Hey Arnold! Season 6: Miriam and Stella
by Cre8ivelybankrupt87
Summary: Having lived at the boarding house for nearly a month, Helga has become quite close with Stella, who cares deeply for her son's girlfriend, but also doesn't want her to forget her own family. Tensions mount as Helga feels torn between a family she loves being with, and the one she feels responsible for.
1. Home Sweet Madhouse

_**Disclaimer: This story follows the arc preceding from 'Miriam Under the Table,' and also takes place after the events of 'Arnold Visits Arnie For Real This Time,' 'Misses Sawyer' and a few others I haven't found the inspiration to write yet. Skipping to the end, then going back to fill in the gaps… it's what I do apparently.**_

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Chapter One: Home Sweet Madhouse

The gentle rays of the morning sun roused Helga from her long and restful slumber at the Sunset Arms. The spring mattress she slept on every night may have creaked loudly with every micro movement from her body, and to such an extreme it could have kept a hibernating bear up all night, but the sort of lethargy Helga felt for life was well advanced beyond her twelve years of age and could have had her sleeping through an old lady shooting fireworks off the roof of the boarding house; an occurrence not uncommon in this eclectic little madhouse she now called home.

Nearly a month had passed since she had finally grown fed up with her own family and what little remained of her home. Between her mother's absent-minded foolery, her father's descent into denial bordering on madness, Helga for once in her life craved a loving family enough to ditch her own and take refuge at the boarding house run by the grandparents of her beloved Arnold.

Living under the same roof as Arnold fulfilled roughly a third of her deepest most twisted girlhood dreams, serving as icing on the cake of having his parents treating her as if she were their own daughter. Helga had been resistant to their caring at first, but now wondered how she had ever survived her own parents for more than three years.

Helga stretched her arms and yawned as she quietly observed her room. The cracks in the ceiling extended further and further each morning and the wallpaper which couldn't have been replaced since the Great Depression just fell like the branches of a willow from the walls. The radiator in the corner let out a loud clanging noise, which sent a rat in the corner scampering away in alarm and into a hole in the floorboards, and from out of the hole scurried out several large black spiders. Helga tried to flick on a light but the bulb just sparked and shattered into a thousand shards that came raining down on her like raindrops.

Most kids, particularly from the tax bracket Helga's family had previously lived in, would have considered these living conditions to be some kind of karmic retribution punishing them for having lived too well before. Helga by contrast just smiled warmly at the dilapidated room; not seeing a picture of squalor but one of inspiration and even adventure.

"Good morning." she said to no one, as she began to soliloquize, "Ah, lesser mortals could not see the true beauty of this enchanting ruin; this most hallowed humble hovel, a repudiation of the decadence I once foolishly clung to in that ghastly hollow castle of the Beeper King. This stuffy air that I now breathe in this scarcely ventilated lodging cleanses my soul, washing away my loathed past and reshapes me into not the Pataki I was, but the Shortman I aspire to be…" She sighed dreamily as she withdrew her heart-shaped locket that framed the face of the boy she often unhealthily loved more than life itself. As she spoke to it, she grabbed a hold of the window curtains and wrapped herself in them, "Arnold… my beloved boyhood bombshell, my sagely sweetheart, though your family has little to give, still they share it with this undeserving girl… who despite her outward hardened armor, you know to be at heart a most soft and tender-hearted hopeless romantic… oh for how long I pined for that day you would see me through the eyes of love, and now as I bathe in your own most stupid boyhood affections, I long for the day that we shall be not merely hormonally charged tween lovebirds… but partners forever bound together as one by the otherworldly force of nuptial bliss. And on that day, in that rapturous hour that I at dare let slide from my lips the two words that shall bind our souls, then shall I be a Pataki no more! On that day will I cast off that title I have been chained to since birth, and be liberated by the name-"

"Helga?" a woman's voice suddenly appeared from outside her bedroom door.

In her shock, Helga lost her balance and fell forward, tearing down the curtains she had draped herself in and collapsing to the floor. Tangled in the fabric like a human burrito and unable to move, Helga just sighed and answered the voice.

"Hiya, Stella…" she said weakly, "C'mon in… I'm decent…"

The door opened just a crack and Arnold's mother poked her head in. Stella's face typically exuded a comforting aura, even now as she looked at Helga lying in a tangle heap on the floor. Helga could just barely see her through the curtains tied around her head, but knowing Stella she felt no fear of being judged for her eccentricities.

"You slept well, I see." Stella said.

"Uh huh…" Helga said, "Say, um… I don't mean to be a bother, but if your schedule is open today maybe you could…"

"For you?" Stella giggled, "Of course."

Stella lifted the pile of curtains and unraveled them to reveal Helga, who posed victoriously and laughed.

"Sorry…" Helga said, "I was uh… lost in thought and I guess I didn't realize what I was doing…"

"Oh don't you worry about those old things." Stella said, "I can fix them up… or how about we sew them up together? Can you sew, Helga?"

"I dabbled in a little needlepoint once, but that's about it." Helga said.

"Well, it's Saturday." Stella said, "I've got all day to show you a thing or two."

"Whatever floats your boat." Helga said with a half smile. "What time is it… did I sleep in?"

"No such thing on a Saturday." Stella said, "The boys went out for a jog, and I just heard you rehearsing a speech or something in here."

Helga crossed her arms and frowned however.

"Sure, the boys all go out and leave us women behind to sew?" she scoffed.

Stella laughed, "I prefer to look at it as we got them out of here for a while and now we can do whatever we want."

"Criminey!" Helga shouted, "And that's the best use of your time a seasoned traveller like you can think of to do? Come on, woman…"

Stella cocked an eyebrow at Helga's challenge and smiled.

"Hear that?" she asked, "I think I hear the sound of stampeding hoofbeats…"

Outside the door, the sound of both animal and human footsteps went stampeding past the bedroom door. Helga and Stella watched as Mr. Hyunh, Ernie and Oskar went running by, all crying out in fear for whatever was nipping at their heals. Trailing behind them ran Abner and a menagerie of other critters, also running from the same pursuer. From behind them, Grandma Gertie at last appeared, donned in her ten gallon hat and swinging a lasso. She laughed uproariously and beckoned for Stella and Helga to join her.

"Come on, cowpunchers!" she invited, "We've got to get this cattle drive moving!"

Helga looked at Stella and asked, "Just so we're clear… this isn't how grandma brings beef to the table, right?"

Stella grimaced, "I hope not."

The two of them laughed heartily together. Stella tussled Helga's hair and she gestured for her to follow her.

"You were looking for something more exciting than sewing?" she asked.

Helga grinned and ran off after Stella, and the two of them joined grandma's imaginary cattle drive, much to the chagrin of the other boarders.

"I just asked what is for breakfast!" Mr Hyunh shouted, "For the rent I pay I should not have to put up with this!"

"I do not deserve this for the rent I pay either!" Oskar wailed.

"For the rent you pay, Kokoschka you deserve this and then some!" Ernie said.

Outside the boarding house, downtown Hillwood slowly stirred to life as the three generations of Shortmans briskly jogged along the pavement, at last returning home from their run. Grandpa Phil ran out in front leading the pack, followed closely by his grandson Arnold.

"I tell ya, Arnold," Grandpa said, barely out of breath, "You're gonna lose that boyhood metabolism someday soon, so you'd better just get into the habit of senselessly exercising for no good reason like this now."

"I already play outside every day…" Arnold panted. "I mean, this is great too, but…"

"Come on, no excuses. You don't wanna end up like him, do you?" Grandpa asked, gesturing back to his son, Arnold's father Miles who despite his lean figure looked to be struggling to keep pace with his twelve year old son and eighty three year old father.

"Don't slow down… I'm right behind you…" Miles panted, "I can still… ow, side cramp! Arg!"

Miles heaved over and yowled in pain as Arnold came to a screeching halt. Dashing back to his father's side Arnold knelt down and took his dad's hand.

"Dad?" He asked, "Are you okay? Dad?"

"Oh he's fine, don't pay that drama queen any mind." Grandpa said, "He's just a little rusty after that ten year nap at the hidden city. Only way is to run right through it, Miles! Pain is your friend!"

"Hey, I uh…" Miles panted in his dazed state, "I think I made it further today… can we… just say I've graduated now?"

"Oh come on now, Miles." Grandpa goaded, "What good are you gonna be on the next jungle expedition if you can't outrun jaguars and wild boars anymore?"

"He's not going back to the jungle…" Arnold groaned.

"That's what he told me when he moved back here ten years ago." Grandpa laughed, "Can't trust your old man any further than he can run, short man."

"But he-"

"No no, Arnold. I'm your elder, so trust me when I say you can never trust your elders." Grandpa laughed. "Ah well, let's head back in, recoup and try again tomorrow. Your little girlfriend probably misses you by now."

Arnold rolled his eyes but smiled, now feeling well accustomed to Grandpa's teasing about his relationship with Helga. Teasing was a step up from Grandpa's relationship advice, since he seemed to think Helga was the second incarnation of Grandma. As Grandpa opened the door to the boarding house and sniffed the air, Abner and the usual stampede of animals poured out the door and down the steps, all trampling Miles as Arnold just maneuvered past them.

"Now let's go see what Grandma whipped up for breakfast… hope it's digestible, or at least chewable- what in the what?" Grandpa exclaimed as he beheld the scene unfolding in the foyer.

Ernie, Oskar and Mr. Hyunh lay on the floor, all bound by ropes like cattle and were squirming to get loose. Stella and Helga were standing over them and laughing as Grandma, the clear ringleader swung her lasso in Grandpa's direction.

"Hey!" Grandpa shouted as the rope circled around him, "Oh great, because one crazy lady around here wasn't enough… Pookie! Stop corrupting today's youth!"

Stella shot Miles a look and twirled her own lasso, which she then expertly looped around her husband and used it to pull him close to her.

"I uh… have to agree with dad on this one…" Miles said, "I mean, you're kind of a fun crazy but still, you were never this crazy when I first met you."

"Something about loving a Shortman." Stella chuckled as she kissed Miles on the cheek, "It drives a girl crazy…"

Helga now looked at Arnold and a broad devious grin crossed her face. Arnold stepped back and held up his hands in protest.

"Oh no…" Arnold said, "This is starting to cross a few lines, Helg-"

With catlike reflexes Helga flicked her rope at Arnold and skillfully lassoed him just as Gertie and Stella had.

"Gah!" Arnold cried out, but as he looked into Helga's loving gaze he couldn't help but laugh too. The combination of his Grandma and Helga's antics around the boarding house somehow hadn't yet gotten old to him, and if anything just kept each day more interesting.

"Oh, you keep this relationship fresh…" Arnold sighed.

"Good roping, Eleanor." Grandma commended Helga as she laughed, "And that's how you keep a man."

"Ah, thanks Granny." Helga laughed.

Arnold felt some small twinge of discomfort at Helga referring to his own grandma as 'Granny,' but he could repress a smile at seeing her so happy. Since first confronting his feelings for her, Arnold saw Helga's happiness as his primary goal in life, and he felt enormous satisfaction that his whole family now cared enough to go out of their way to bring joy to her life, just as Grandma and Grandpa always had for him.

"Yeah, good roping." Stella said with a smile, "Same basic principle as sewing, but a little more full contact. I'd say you're a natural."

"Heh, thanks mom-" Helga slapped a hand over her mouth and went wide eyed with embarrassment. She had come close to calling Stella 'mom' once before, having grown so comfortable with her as a surrogate guardian, but she had managed to stop herself. This time not only had the entire word escaped her mouth, but it happened right in front of Arnold and the entire boarding house. She couldn't even bare to look at Arnold, who was just scratching the back of his neck in his discomfort. Despite being tied up on the floor, Oskar started laughing at Helga.

"Ah hee hee hee, the little pink girl has the Stockholm Syndrome." he giggled, "She has come to identify with her captors."

Stella frowned and placed an arm around Helga, and if that failed to make the situation any less awkward, what she said next made it worse.

"We're not holding her here against her will, she's like family to us." Stella said, "And then when she and Arnold are married someday she'll be like-"

"Mom!" Arnold gasped.

In her embarrassment, Helga spun on her heal and dashed up the stairs back to her room. Everyone could hear her slam the door behind her as they all stood silently. In the blink of an eye, the once fun and wild if not slightly irritating atmosphere of the Sunset Arms gave way to a feeling more uncomfortable than the boarders tied up on the floor were going through. Stella cringed as it dawned on her just how badly she'd put her foot in her mouth at Helga and Arnold's expense.

"Well that went south fast." Grandpa said, still caught in his wife's lasso, "Still, good for the girl to see what a normal healthy family is like for a change, I suppose."

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_**I didn't even realize I was doing this, but in every fic I've written so far whenever Helga greets Stella she says 'Hiya Stella.' I guess it's a thing they have.**_

_**This story is meant to be a little heavier, so I thought I needed a little levity in the fist chapter only for things to go abruptly uncomfortable… not sure how I thought up everyone getting tied up… it just started with Grandma's usual cowgirl routine and spiraled from there I guess. What's this fic rated again?**_


	2. A Normal Family

_**Fun times at the boarding house. Wondering how things are at the beeper emporium? Let's find out.**_

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Chapter 2: A Normal Family

_Here is the townhouse. It is blue and has a green door. It is very lovely. Here is the family. Mommy, Daddy, Olga and Helga live in the blue townhouse with a green door. They are very happy. See Helga. She has a pink dress. Who will play with Helga? See Helga. She goes grumble grumble. Come and play. Come play with Olga. Olga goes la la la la. Helga will not play. See Mommy. Mommy is very nice. Mommy, will you play with Helga? Mommy mumbles. Mumble, Mommy, mumble. See Daddy. He is big and strong. Daddy will you play with Helga? Daddy is shouting. Shout, Daddy, shout. Daddy shouts at Mommy. Mommy makes a smoothie. Drink, mommy, drink. Olga has a trophy. It is pretty and shiny. The pretty shiny trophy makes Daddy very happy. Helga is frowning. Frown, Helga, frown. Here is the piano. It is big and black. Do you want to play, piano? Olga plays with the piano. The piano plays a pretty song. It is very pretty. Daddy and mommy clap. Clap mommy and daddy, clap. Where is Helga? Helga is nowhere. Mommy and Daddy are very happy. Olga smiles at Mommy and Daddy. Smile, Olga, smile… smile… smile…_

As the sterile utopian world of her dreams faded away, Olga Pataki forced her eyes open with some effort, feeling eyeliner and mascara cracking like old cement on her eyelids. She knew full well that going to bed with her makeup on was just asking for breakouts, and yet somehow that just didn't seem to matter to this once perfectionist. Since moving back in with her parents to help them out she had gradually stopped caring so much about her appearance as the toll of cooking and cleaning for them took over her daily routine, and without much help or thanks from either of them, the once prized trophy daughter now felt like a broken pedestal.

Her burden in life had long been projecting a constant picture of perfection and success for a mother and father would would have divorced years ago, or worse if not for her lightening their worlds or just pacifying them at their worst. It was a heavy responsibility, taking on the role of one of two things holding the family together; the other binding force for the Pataki household had come in the form of upper middle class stability thanks to her father's business. In a world where rapidly advancing technology had left her neanderthal father's beeper business in the dust however, not only had they lost their family home, but worse they had lost any illusion of family unity that Olga had so long tried to preserve.

Olga had more or less put her life on pause just to help out at home, and now for all her daily struggles to keep things afloat she had very few triumphs in life to flaunt to her parents to keep them happy. Nowadays her greatest accomplishments in life consisted of pulling in and charming the occasional elderly customer looking to buy some means of communicating with their kids. The very thought of that gave Olga even more sad pause for thought; even a grandmother trying to communicate with her grandkids with a pager was a better and more healthy means of communication than any strategy used by a Pataki.

She glanced around her room, actually the conference room of Big Bob's Beeper Emporium where the Pataki clan made their home nowadays; and they did feel more like a clan of separate families now more than a real family. As she draped on an old bathrobe and slippers she lurched over to the kitchen where she found her mother Miriam lying face down on the coffee table, as was her morning ritual. Every day brought the same troubles of yesterday, from Miriam's endless smoothie induced stupor, to her father's growing rage and irritation with her. Olga filled a pot with water and placed it on the stove, setting it to boil. She then grabbed a pack of instant oatmeal and prepared herself for the same old reaction that breakfast got from her father every morning. Olga had a fair amount of savings still stashed away, and all of it was slowly going into helping with the bills to keep the lights on at the emporium, and keeping some modest amount of food on the table. Olga knew well enough that when the going got tough, one had to eat frugally, which had meant oatmeal nearly every day.

"Morning, mommy dearest." Olga said with zero of the usual rays of sunshine shimmering from her voice, "I see you slept well…"

Miriam muttered some indistinct attempt at words, and Olga just sighed sadly. Olga got started on brewing the morning coffee; the only thing that kept Miriam among the living in the morning. Hopefully she could get her mother to stir before the beeper king made his grand royal entrance.

"Another day… another… end to a day…" Olga said sleepily.

"Miriam!" Bob's voice finally thundered through the hallway and into the kitchen. Olga winced as glassware all around her shook with the rhythmic tremors caused by her father's footsteps. He didn't go by the title of 'Big Bob' for his catlike grace and stealth; everything about Bob Pataki came down to size, be it his ego, anger, appetite, and now even the spectacular failure that had been his Beeper Empire matched his size. Formerly always well groomed as a professional businessman, now his typically combed over hair just stuck out wildly, stubble covered his face and his bloodshot eyes rested above dark bags. The slow death of his business had taken its toll on him both mentally and physically, and finally his outside matched his inside.

Olga quickly forced herself to smile broadly as her father appeared in the doorway, donned in his regal purple bathrobe and holding a rolled up newspaper like a scepter.

"Come on, come on! Look alive everyone!" Bob shouted, "Today's our big eighty percent off buy ten get twenty beeper-straveganza! Miriam? Why isn't the sign up!?"

"Huh?" Miriam at last mustered enough strength to lift her head off the table

"C'mon, Miriam." Bob insisted, "I'm trying to be more supportive and appreciative of you and your talents… so where's that stupid sign I asked you to make?"

"Oh it's uh… well our graphic guys are on… but we don't have graphic guys so uh…" Miriam reached for a piece of paper sitting at the end of the table and held it up. Bob's face went wide with shock when he saw the words written in sharpie proclaiming his big sale for all the world to squint at.

"That's it!?" Bob bellowed, "That's the best you could do? Yeesh, I don't know where Olga got an ounce of creativity from…"

Olga's grip tightened around the pot handle as she poured the oatmeal into the now boiling water, as she felt her own blood similarly begin to boil.

"Well I just uh, well I…" Miriam muttered, "It's not really the sort of environment that inspires anything artistic…"

"Ah, don't give me that." Bob disregarded her, "Art from adversity, business from art, and money from business! We're so close to pulling out of this little dip in sales I can almost taste it…"

Bob then sniffed the air, and then turned to Olga with an expression sour enough to make her want to crawl back into bed and not face the rest of the day. Thanks to her father, Olga really was starting to gain a deeper understanding of her mother's approach to life.

"But first I want to taste breakfast." he said, "Olga? Whatcha got for me? I don't smell bacon or sausage… it better be steak and eggs!"

"Not in the budget," Olga said, "And you know what the doctor would say about-"

"Hey! Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey!" Bob bellowed, "None of that loser talk, now. C'mon, Olga I'd expect that from Miriam, but you? Today's the day! The money is out there and we're going to bring it in like flies to a big steaming heap of- what is that!?"

Bob pointed at the boiling pot of water and looked at Olga

"Breakfast, daddy." Olga said, "You need your fiber if you're going to conquer the beeper market…"

"Ah, for crying out loud!" Bob shouted, "I fought my way to the top of the food chain to eat cattle! Not cattle feed!"

The coffee kettle slowly began bubbling as the heat intensified. Olga took a deep breath and forced herself to smile at her father, just as she had always done. Smiling through the pain never came easily, but Olga always believed that behind his blustering and brutality, her father did ultimately have the family's best interest at heart. That was of course before his business took a nosedive, and Big Bob ever unwilling to say 'die' just stayed the course even as his ship sank. Bob wouldn't abdicate as king of beepers, which just told Olga that he was in deep denial about the reality that no one wanted his throne anyway, and his family was suffering for his stubbornness. Bearing all this in mind, Olga girded the last bit of blissful denial she had in her being and treated her father to a bright winning smile.

"Oh Daddy…" she said coyly, "You don't want to encourage the destruction of the environment by constantly just eating-"

"Oh criminey…" Bob groaned, "What did I think was gonna happen to you by sending you to that granola crunching college in Vermont… guess there's no one to blame but me."

Olga blinked rapidly as her cheek muscles started to hurt from her intensive smiling, and she could feel herself about to boil over with the coffee and oatmeal on the stove.

"Let's… not… be grumpy." Olga said, "You have your big sale today, and Mommy and I are here to help…"

"Yeah, yeah," Bob said as he sat down at the table and opened his paper to the business pages. "'Pager industry expected to be completely obsolete by… two years ago… ah, this stinking rag has really gone to the dogs with fake news like that… hey Olga, where's the girl?"

Olga turned to her father, looking genuinely taken aback.

"The girl?" she asked.

"Yeah, your sister." Bob said, as he appeared to be searching his memory for a name, "Uh…"

"Helga?" Olga finished for him.

"Yeah, yeah, that one." Bob said, "She didn't sneak off to school early again, did she? She's got to have at least a few sick days she could call in for to help out around here."

Olga looked at her father blankly for a moment, then reminded him of his younger daughter's whereabouts.

"Helga has been living at the Sunset Arms…" she said, "For over a month…"

"Huh?" Bob reacted with genuine bewilderment at this notion, but then as he scratched his chin he seemed to remember, "Oh yeah. They grow up so fast, don't they. Well, good for her. Off in the world, finding a place of her own… and one less mouth to feed around here…"

Olga's grip tightened around the handle of the boiling pot to the point where she felt as it it might break. Bob didn't even sound remotely concerned for Helga, which was sadly not out of the ordinary, but never to this degree. This level of carelessness had to be stemming from his mind deteriorating from stress.

"She left because of…" Olga started to say, but then she saw her mother's face wrought with guilt and shame, stopping her.

"Yeah, yeah, at least she's not-" Bob stopped in mid sentence as his eyes widened, "Hey wait… what's the Sunset Arms?"

Olga sighed, "The boarding house… that Phil Shortman runs…"

"What!?" Bob roared in anger as reality finally sank in, "You mean to tell me my girl walked out a month ago, and you both knew she was running off to elope with that Atticus kid with the weird head?"

Olga tightened her fists as her smile began to fade.

"Well, Daddy… you never asked…" Olga said through closed teeth.

"Miriam! You knew about this? What kind of mother are you?" Bob demanded, "Letting Olga just run away from home and go off to stay with a bunch of weirdos and-"

"Leave Mommy alone!" Olga finally snapped at her father, "Helga went to stay with Mr. and Mrs. Shortman because they care more about her than you ever did!"

The room fell silent. Bob stared at his eldest and most prized daughter in utter shock. Olga had occasionally snapped at him before, but normally for not getting her way. Olga snapping normally meant pulling the water works and sobbing pathetically, not chastising the man with bitter resentment and anger. Stunned by his daughter's sudden burst of Anger, Bob backed off on his own fuming just a little but still spoke dourly.

"Of course I care about her. I need her." Bob said, "I need her to wear the beeper costume and wave the sign around out front! Kid's a nut job, but if she's good at one thing it's making a scene. And we are gonna use that to-"

Olga finally grabbed the boiling pot from the stove and threw it to the floor, forcing Bob to jump back in fright as hot water splashed everywhere.

"Daddy you're being an awful brute!" Olga wailed.

"Olga?" Bob asked, sounding more surprised and concerned than angered by his daughter's outburst, "This isn't like you… c'mon, you're my perfect little girl!"  
"I'm not a little girl!" Olga shot back, and then a very bitter look came over her, "And maybe I'm not so perfect either…"

Without another word, Olga dashed out of the kitchen leaving her parents both speechless. Bob looked at Miriam as if wanting to say something, but for one of a very few times in his life words failed him. Miriam just looked away, as if too broken down and beaten by life to even care anymore.

Olga stomped outside, not caring that she was still just draped in a bathrobe. In the month since Helga had gone to stay with Arnold's family, Olga had taken on the burden of keeping an eye on their fragile mother while also trying to keep their father in check. This morning, after twenty some years she had finally reached her breaking point and couldn't keep up the act any more. Letting Helga go had been in an effort to shield her from the unhealthy reality the Patakis all lived in, so she could take on the responsibility of trying to rebuild. By this point however she knew they were beyond her help; even with all her book smarts on the subject of human psychology,

Olga withdrew her mobile phone from the pocket of her bathrobe and she hastily dialed the number she had been holding off on calling for the last month. After only a few rings, someone answered.

"Sunset Arms," an old woman's voice came over the line, "Home of colorful eccentrics, two old kooks, and their adorable grandson."

"Hello…?" Olga asked cautiously, "Is Stella Shortman available?"

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_**Olga's dream is my little tribute to Toni Morrison.**_

_**Of Big Bob's many obvious faults, I at least don't think he's sexist… at least not overtly, considering how he clearly wants Olga to go out and conquer the world. Or maybe it'd be different if Helga had been a boy.**_


	3. No Sister of Mine

Chapter 3: No Sister of Mine

With her face buried deeply in her pillow, Helga privately hoped as a child would that the world couldn't see her if she couldn't see it. Her most deeply guarded secret had been public knowledge for a while now, with her and Arnold both openly sharing their affections for each other before their classmates and whoever else's opinions didn't matter to them. Helga had been at first afraid to have something so deeply personal about herself just out in the open for people to gawk at like some circus freaks on display, but Arnold had shown her that his own feelings for her couldn't be changed by whatever anyone had to say about them, and that had given her the courage to at last just let the world know how she felt.

To a point, at least.

Schoolgirl and schoolboy crushes existed everywhere for as long as there had been schools, but the kind of affection Helga held for Arnold went to deeper and often more disturbing depths than just liking the boy. Arnold had first appeared to her in her darkest and most vulnerable hour on their first day of preschool, and it only took one small act of kindness from him to set himself in her crosshairs from that point on. She obsessed over him, yes, in many ways that could probably startle Freud, from her volumes of gushy poetry, to stalking him and collecting various discarded paraphernalia from him. For years she wrestled not just with her feelings of embarrassment or fear of rejection from him, but also doubting the validity of her feelings; trying to figure out if the affection she felt towards him was genuine or just an unhealthy obsession. Bearing in mind that her love for him could just be a crippling infatuation that she used to define herself in an unhealthy manner, she endeavored for years to journey into her own confusing feelings and allow herself permission to act on them.

Now that it was finally all out in the open and the world hadn't ended, Helga more or less figured that was the end of her embarrassment, but apparently not. She doubted if anyone could comprehend just how strongly she felt about Arnold, and so when Stella had blabbed the 'M' word in front of everyone, she just couldn't bear anyone else knowing she indeed wanted nothing more than to join the family Shortman by marrying Arnold someday.

Helga figured it couldn't be that uncommon for young girls to obsess over the idea of marriage even at this age; in a culture that constantly pushed the idea of becoming a wife, or worse a mother on young girls it was hard to escape the notion. As she reflected, she admitted to herself that marrying Arnold had been on her agenda since the first day she met him, and even now that he returned her feelings something about it just felt wrong.

Worse still, Helga realized the embarrassment Stella had caused her paled in comparison to her referring to the woman as a certain other 'M' word. Stella had been unsubtly trying to mother Helga for some time now, and Helga didn't realize just how comfortable she had become with that until this morning. Up until this point, now she felt a line had been crossed and the entire already untraditional family dynamic under this roof just spiraled out of control, leaving Helga lost and more confused than ever.  
"Arnold…" she sighed, or at least would have if her face hadn't still been buried in a pillow. All her words came out muffled as she monologued into the pillow she held firmly against her face. "What cruel irony, my own shame for my deepest most coveted wish in this cold dark world; that you might grow from a small glimmer of light into a blazing star, not guiding me towards a brighter future but nay, being my very present, ever staunch at my side as we suffer the slings and arrows of life's crap together. Arnold, if ever walked something divine amongst mere men, it is you my football-headed angel… so kind, so stupidly selfless and giving… opening the doors of this humble establishment to this hottest of messes… oh…

To the untrained eye this establishment may look like monkey island at the Hillwood Zoological Garden, but it was not this but the nuthouse I escaped from that made me go bananas. Oh Arnold… fate has gifted me not just you, but the two impossibly good people who brought you into this underserving world; Stella and Miles, two bastions of parenthood, the most caring and giving of caregivers… even a pair of goof wads like them who disappeared in some godforsaken jungle throughout your childhood still had more of a presence in your upbringing than the likes of Bob and Miriam in mine… I've tried to feel at home here in Miles and Stella's ward, to take up that mantle of the would-be Helga Shortman… but alack the day, tis all but smoke and wind… even now that I've driven Arnold mad enough to delude himself into loving me back, I still may never be worthy of the name Shortman. Twas selfish and preemptive of me to so thoughtlessly try to call Arnold's mother my own. Thus will I ever remain-"

"Helga?" the unmistakable voice of Arnold asked from the other side of the bedroom door.

"…. Pataki…" Helga finished for him, "Go away…"

The door creaked open and in stepped her concerned boyfriend.

"Come on, Helga. You don't have to be embarrassed, at least to me." Arnold said, "I mean, I know about the shrines… so this? This is kind of trivial-"

Helga rolled over on the bed to face Arnold, treating him to an off-putting frown.

"You can start bringing me all my meals up here from now on, football head…" Helga sighed, "I'll spare everyone else the trouble and just make jokes at my own expense in here…"

"Aw come on," Arnold said, "With everything that goes on around here, they'll have all forgotten about it by lunchtime. Grandma's cooking today, so they'll all be too confused by the food to worry about you."

Helga tucked her legs up against herself and curled into a ball on the bed, looking away and not saying a word in her vulnerable state.

"Look, don't worry about what Mom said." Arnold insisted, "You know my mom and dad… they're a little off on social cues when it comes to kids. She's real fond of you though… I think you remind her of her when she was your age."

Helga looked at him with some renewed feeling of comfort growing inside.

"Really?" she asked. "You think so?"

"Yeah." Arnold said, "I guess that's why you two are hitting it off so well."

Tuned in with Arnold's most discrete of feelings, Helga instantly could sense a change in him; Arnold suddenly appeared slightly uncomfortable as if he wanted to say more but didn't know how to.

"But…?" Helga asked.

"But what?" Arnold responded.

"Stella and I are hitting it off but…?" Helga prodded, "I know you didn't say 'but,' but I can always hear a 'but' even if there's no 'but.'"

Arnold's eyes darted around the room as he tensed up uncomfortably.

"I uh…" Arnold said, "

"Come on, admit it… you think it's weird what she's doing…" Helga insinuated.

Arnold shrugged, "Just looking out for you?"

"Oh criminey, Arnold! I just called her… 'mom'," Helga groaned, "She's mothering me… and I'm starting to let her… that doesn't bother you?"

Arnold looked at Helga as things started to click in his mind.

"Okay, I guess so…" Arnold said, "I mean, I guess it is a little weird… she does kind of act like your my… sister or something…"

"Yeah…" Helga said with a grimace, "You see where this is getting weird?"

"Well, it's not like you're really… I mean, they haven't adopted you so… we can still be-"

"Do us both a favor and stop talking now." Helga said.

"I mean… you know I'm happy to uh… share my parents, I guess." Arnold said, "I guess I know what it's like to have two sets of parents, you know, since Grandma and Grandpa raised me."

"Please." Helga dismissed him, "I'm pretty sure you're the one taking care of them… and the same can be said for your parents, too. They're like a pair of lost puppies… eager to please, adorable yes, but annoying…"

Arnold frowned at that comment.

"They're… doing their best." he said. "They're trying to be there for me after missing out on my whole childhood… and now they're trying to be there for you too so it's-"

"A burden?" Helga interrupted, "Am I just extra baggage?"  
"That's not what I'm saying at all…" Arnold groaned, "Can you just not jump to conclusions here?"

"I'll jump to whatever I want, bucko." Helga huffed out.

"Helga, why are you being so defensive?" Arnold asked, "So… you called my mom 'mom' and then she said some day we'd… get… I mean, we don't have to-"

Arnold abruptly realized he had chosen his words poorly by the glare he got in response from Helga.

"Oh, so you don't want to?" she snipped.

"That's not what I… come on, you were embarrassed by it a second ago." Arnold urged.

"Oh sure. Helga Pataki. Always a boarder, never a-"  
"Helga… we're twelve!" Arnold interrupted.

"You don't fool me, bucko." Helga hissed, feeling herself slipping back into her old self-sabotaging ways. Every step of progress she had made as a person in the last year begged her not to undo everything, but she could feel a huge hole in her heart starting to gape open and once again she dealt with the pain as she always had. "You don't want me around here… none of you do. No one ever does…"

"Huh?" Arnold sounded genuinely taken aback.

"You didn't want me in this place. It was your mom who invited me in to stay." Helga said.

Arnold shrugged, "I guess… but I think it's great having you here, even if it's a little weird sometimes. Besides, you still have your mom and dad, even if they're-"

"What?" Helga laughed, "You think I still consider Bob and Miriam parents? That chapter of my life is over. That ship has sailed. Or, you know, it would have sailed had it not hit an iceberg, caught on fire, and got torpedoed by a U-boat."

Arnold frowned slightly. After a series of harrowing events at the Pataki home ended with Miriam's smoothie incident sending her to the hospital, Helga took refuge at the boarding house where Arnold had welcomed her, wanting her to feel safe and at home. As time passed however, Arnold started to worry more and more about Helga's family, knowing that somewhere deep down she still loved them and wanted things to improve for them.

"You don't miss your family, at all?" Arnold asked.  
Helga scoffed, "What's to miss? They're kind of the worst. Bob's a massive jerk on a level I could only aspire to, Miriam doesn't know which end of her blender is up, and Olga is… Olga." Helga's anger subsided just a little, and her eyes wandered downward as she sighed sadly, "Not one of them has even called since I left… so forget them, I don't need them and they don't need me. That's just the way it is, so for all I care they can all just drop off the face of the earth!" Helga growled with her rage returning.

Arnold knew full well why Helga held such disgust and animosity towards her family, but he still couldn't fathom anyone speaking so lowly about their own parents, no matter how imperfect they were. And worse, all the time Helga and Stella had spent together hadn't bothered him up until now, but in this moment he couldn't ignore his discomfort. He had only hoped for his family to take care of Helga and make sure she was healthy and safe, but owing to the issues Helga had with her parents Arnold realized even if he hadn't foreseen this, it was the only outcome he could have expected.

"I know your dad and your sister are… sort of caught up in their own business, but… I'm sure your mom misses you…" Arnold said without much confidence in his voice, "I know she hasn't really reached out since you came here but… who knows? Maybe she's just-"

The subject of Helga's mother struck a nerve, and she reacted defensively.

"Ah, can it! you don't know what you're talking about you little wannabe guru." Helga said angrily, "I mean, criminey! If there's two things I don't have time for it's your unfounded advice and losers like Miriam!"

"Helga… she's your mom." Arnold insisted, "Maybe she needs help."

"What she needs is a good kick to her empty skull." Helga huffed, "And I can't be bothered with that. I'm not dealing with that smoothie binger anymore!"

The more Arnold got to know and came to understood Helga, the more forgiving he became of some of the less than kind things she had to say about him and others. Something about her now sounded angry beyond the point of even being Helga however, like she was someone else entirely in this moment. As he looked at her scowling face he realized he wasn't seeing her, but someone uncomfortably similar on occasion.

"Helga, I know that's not you talking… don't you hear yourself?" Arnold asked, "Do you know who you sound like-"

Just then the doorbell rang, interrupting Arnold and grabbing both kids' attention and distracted them from the growing animosity between them.

Downstairs, Grandpa Phil approached the door in annoyance.

"Who in the devil could that be at this hour?" he asked.

"Dad, it's ten thirty," Miles answered him from down the hall. "In the morning…"

"A right… well, I wake up in a whole different time zone and it takes a few hours for my mind to catch up with-" as he opened the door he stopped talking when he saw an incredibly disheveled looking young woman wearing a bathrobe. Her unwashed blonde hair stuck up like unruly tufts of straw, and mascara dripped down her face. She looked as if the world had just chewed her up and spat her out on their doorstep.

"Hello…?" Phil said cautiously, "I'd say it's a little early for that line of work, and we don't need any-"

"Joan? Is that you?" Grandma asked as she pushed her way past Phil, "Why yes it is, Joan of Arc herself. Come in dear, you must need rest from fighting on the frontline."

"I…" the young woman could barely find words.

"Olga?" Stella now pushed her way past both of the aged proprietors of the boarding house and beheld the barely recognizable mess that had once been the Patakis' pride and joy.

"Old what?" Grandpa asked.

"Well of course she's old," Grandma said, "She's been around since the Hundred Years War. You and me are kindergartners compared to-"

"It's Helga's sister, Olga. She called earlier." Stella said, rushing over to the distraught Olga and wrapping an arm around her. "Come in, honey, come in."

Grandma and Grandpa stepped aside as Stella escorted Olga inside and brought her over to the kitchen table to sit down. Stella stepped over to a tea kettle sitting on the stove and grabbed a mug.

"I was just brewing a pot of tea," Stella said, "Want some?"

Olga nodded quietly as Stella poured her a cup and handed it to her.

"Thank you…" she said as she feebly lifted it to her lips and took a sip, "That's… that's very good…"

Stella nodded and gave her a warm smile.

"It's my own herbal fusion." Stella said, "I cooked it up in San Lorenzo, once upon a time. You won't find anything quite like it north of the boarder."

Suddenly Helga stomped into sight and her eyes immediately went to Olga. For a moment it appeared as if she didn't even recognize her own sister, but as she noticed the mascara running down her face she knew it had to be Olga.

"Hey, what's she doing here?" Helga shouted.

"Baby… sister?" Olga said weakly.

Helga crossed her arms and looked away just as Arnold appeared on her left. Arnold looked at Olga and his mouth went agape. Olga definitely didn't look like her usual picture of perfection. She had always projected an image of irrepressible sunshine, but now the sun had gone out and all anyone could see of Olga was a fading star.

"Bob and Miriam finally throw you out?" Helga asked, "Man, they must be digging way deeper than rock bottom now. You look like a total mess. There's no vacancies here but we do take in strays."

"Helga…" Stella said warningly to Helga, then turned back to Olga, "Sweetie? Are you feeling alright? Can we help you with any-" She tried to ask before Olga launched into hysterics.

"Daddy's completely lost his mind and mommy is so far gone I'm not even sure if she's alive most days and I've had to drop out of school and I have to take care of them both day in and day out and I can't remember the last time I slept through the night without daddy shouting at mommy or mommy passing out or just stress keeping me up from dusk until dawn and compounding into a headache that's tearing my skull apart and I can't take it anymore!"

Olga broke down and started weeping hysterically.

"Somebody hose this kid off…" Grandpa groaned.

"Dad…" Miles elbowed his father. Helga however shared Grandpa's sentiment.

"So what?" she asked, "Not so much as a phone call or anything, and you've come here to beg me to come back?"

"Oh no." Olga looked up with a sudden bright smile, snapping out of her crying fit with ease, "You're right where you should be, baby sister. I actually came to ask Mrs. Shortman for her help."

All eyes turned to Stella, who looked just as equally taken aback.

"Why my mom?" Arnold asked.

Olga looked at Arnold with adoring eyes, which of course just made Helga visibly steamed.

"Oh Arnold, I'm sure you're too modest to admit to your reputation around the city as the solver of everyone's problems." Olga said, "But I think this is a bit much to ask of a little boy… so I figure you had to have gotten it from somewhere." Her eyes returned to Stella accompanied by a half-crazed smile. "Mrs. Shortman…? I've been… unable to get through to mommy… and since you're such a humanitarian and appear to be just the most perfectest mother in the world I…"

"What? Hoping she has free tips for our mom?" Helga almost laughed. "Letting me come to live here is probably the closest thing she's ever done to caring about me."

Stella sighed in resignation. She had only a passing acquaintance with Miriam Pataki, but from what she had seen the woman clearly needed some kind of help. As she looked at the woman's daughters dwelling here in the boarding house kitchen away from home, she felt compelled to try to help them however she could, be it by caring for them herself or by doing what she had in her power to lift their mother's spirits.

"I could… try." Stella said, "What does your mom like to do, Olga?"

"Oh mom just loves napping, mixing smoothies, drinking them, and then napping some more." Helga said sarcastically.

"Helga… stop it." Stella said firmly, "I'll just… see if she wants to get coffee. Maybe she just needs a friend."

"She has her blender." Helga quipped.

"Helga." Stella fixed Helga with a frightening 'mom' look which seemed to finally put Helga in her place.

"Alright, alright…" Helga sighed, "Better you than me."

* * *

_**I switched gears and had to come up with an entirely different trajectory for this story… I had this plot line where Nick Vermicelli came back for revenge and abducted the Pataki girls, and then it would have to be Miriam to step up and come to their rescue… but I decided that was a bit much. **_


	4. Bigal's

_**This chapter took me a while... I feel as though I wrote myself into a corner with Olga setting up Stella and Miriam on their little coffee date. Without it being either of their idea the whole situation is a little... uncomfortable.**_

* * *

Chapter 4: Bigal's

On an overcast Sunday morning in May, two women unalike in every noticeable way sat alone together outside of Bigal's Tasty Cafe, a small establishment just around the corner from the Sunset Arms. Forces outside of their own will had brought them both together today, and the two of them now sat across from one another looking about as comfortable as if they were sitting upon a pair of porcupines. Stella Shortman and Miriam Pataki, both mothers with wildly different experiences in the field of parenting had come together to apparently discuss the subject, at the urging of Miriam's eldest daughter Olga. They had met in passing before, but had barely said anything beyond the polite greetings they exchanged.

Stella smiled forcibly as Miriam's eyes just darted around while they waited in vain for the waitstaff to attend to them. The cafe hosted a fair number of patrons, and the customer to waitstaff ratio was not exactly balanced.

Miriam didn't know what she was doing here; a feeling sadly common for her owing to her usual choice and amount of drink, only this time she hadn't had a morning smoothie, but still retained a headache from the night before. Stella on the other hand had been charged with being a do-gooder today, as was often her burden in life just as she had passed down to her son. Now she had been tasked with befriending Miriam for the sake of her daughters. What little Stella knew about Miriam had been communicated in whispers and rumors around town, and from angry rants from Helga. Seeking out professional help might have been the more obvious and rational strategy, but Stella had begun to doubt rationality even existed in Hillwood since moving back here. The Pataki family had apparently been a pillar of the community previously, but had now fallen on hard times and weren't adapting well. Stella resolved to just be her usual friendly and pleasant self, and avoid the phrases 'financial ruin' or 'child protective services' over the course of this little get together while just getting to know Miriam socially before trying to butt into any of her private business as Olga apparently wanted her to.

"It's nice to finally meet you socially, Miriam." Stella said.

"Uh, yeah sure." Miriam said in a joyless voice, "Um, Della? Right?"

"Stella." Stella corrected.

"Oh yeah, sorry. I mostly just heard 'Mrs. Shortman.'" Miriam said, "Well, it was uh, very nice of you to reach out like this."

"Yes." Stella said uncomfortably, "I'd say we're overdo, you and me. This… seems like a nice place."

"Where?" Miriam asked.

"Here…" Stella said, "This cafe. Big Al… Bigal's… how do you say it?"

"Oh… I uh, I don't really know." Miriam replied. "I've never actually eaten here."

"They just didn't leave any space between 'big' and 'Al' so…" Stella noted.

Just as she spoke, a large heavyset server holding a small notepad appeared at their table and loomed over the two women.

"Well, I bet he knows." Stella said, "You must be the eponymous Big Al?" She asked the server with a friendly smile.

Her smile was not returned by the waiter who just glared down at her.

"No." he said irritably, "What are you drinking?"

Stella squirmed in embarrassment and raised her menu up to hide her face as she stuttered.

"I uh… I guess I'll just have a mint tea." Stella said.

The server nodded and jotted down her order. He then turned to Miriam.

"And for you?"

Miriam didn't even look at her menu and just said, "Screwdriver, please."

The server nodded and walked off as Stella grimaced slightly.

"It's… a little early isn't it?" she noted.

Miriam gave Stella a look; not one of annoyance for being judged but just one of pure hopeless resignation for her lot in life.

"Oh no…" Miriam said, "It's after nine…"

Stella again just smiled forcibly, wanting to protest but didn't voice her disapproval, and instead just tried to make friendly small talk.

"I'm slightly amazed we didn't think of getting together sooner, but readjusting to society has been pretty time consuming." She laughed self-deprecatingly.

"Uh huh." Miriam said, "After the kids found you in San Lorenzo last summer?"

"That they did, yes." Stella affirmed, now starting to understand Helga's frustration with Miriam's level of awareness. That did seem like a nice segway into the topic of Miriam's daughter however. "And I have your Helga to thank for that."

"Oh." Miriam said, not knowing the role her daughter had played in rescuing Stella and Miles in San Lorenzo, "Well, I'm glad she could help." Miriam glanced around as she tried to think of what else to talk about. "Are you just spending quality time with Arthur since you got home?"

"Arnold. And yes, as much as I can." Stella said, "He's a real independent kid though, Miles and I have been trying to give him some space, but it's hard. Some days just letting him out of my sight feels nearly impossible… but he has to go to school and we all have things to do I suppose."

"Okay, that's nice." Miriam said, "Do you uh, work at all?"

"Not yet, but I'm going back into botany." Stella said, "There's a research specialist position at the museum I'm applying for."

"Well that's good, that's good. Sounds like you've readjusted to society just fine…" Miriam said. "I wish I could…"

Stella chuckled slightly before realizing Miriam wasn't entirely joking, and given what Stella did know about her she had to privately admonish herself for laughing.

"Well, enough about me, tell me about you." Stella said, "You're working at the emporium full time?"

"Oh yeah, yeah…" Miriam said dully, "I mean… there's not that much work to do nowadays but… it's still nice to get away once in a while, so this is nice…"

"How's Bob doing?" Miriam asked carefully.

Miriam sank down into her chair and grimaced, and Stella knew she had trod into some dangerous territory. She had gotten an earful from Helga on the often less than harmonious world of Bob and Miriam, and the look on the woman's face all but confirmed Helga hand't been exaggerating.

"My one and only?" Miriam asked, "He's persevering… his own way. He's got a mind of his own, does things his way and runs everything… even if it's running everything into the ground."

Stella nodded tentatively.

"It's the family business, right?" Stella asked, "Don't you run things together?"

"Sort of…" Miriam said cryptically. "I… Bob is the entrepreneur, I'm just… well there's not much to me really."

Miriam sounded as if she was fishing for sympathy. Stella couldn't help but feel for her, but wondered if all the Patakis were this self-pitying.

"Well, I've wanted to get to know you since last summer." Stella admitted, "Since our kids are such close friends and all… and especially now with Helga staying at the boarding house." Stella had to consider for a moment just how unusual this entire living situation really was. Helga, a child of twelve had left her home to stay with her boyfriend and neither of their mothers had even discussed the subject until a month later. Stella knew of the problems the Patakis were facing and had been happy to provide the sort of environment Helga needed, but the lack of communication from the girl's parents was worrisome. Since returning from their ten year bout of sleeping sickness in the jungle, both Stella and Miles had felt off in a lot of ways, and weren't always completely self aware about their strangeness. Now the sheer oddness of them hosting Miriam's daughter finally started to sink in.

"I mean, Miles and I just adore Helga you know, she's just such a vivacious and talented young lady. She's really just a joy to have around."

"Helga?" Miriam asked, "Oh well, good, good."

"She's… doing well." Stella said, trying to get a little more of a reaction.

"That's good." Miriam said dispassionately.

Stella had to restrain herself from frowning, for despite her efforts Miriam kept dodging the issue of her daughter, specifically one who had spent a month away from home. Then again Miriam appeared completely disinterested in general, and her air despondence was infectious as Stella quickly began to feel her already tepid enthusiasm for this coffee date starting to wane. Miriam really did give off the impression that she had stopped living some time ago and her body was still functioning out of obligation. Stella tried to keep in mind just what a difficult and somewhat embarrassing situation Miriam likely lived in however, and reminded herself to stay empathetic as possible. The two of them just sat in awkward silence for a few minutes before their server returned with their drinks. He placed them down before the two women and pulled out his notepad.

"What are we thinking for food?" he asked.

"I'll have the locks and bagels." Stella said, "For you, Miriam?"

"Oh…" Miriam droned, having given no thought to what she'd order, "I uh… um… yeah, I'll have that too, that sounds fine."

The server nodded as he jotted down their orders and walked off again. Stella then raised her mug and smiled as Miriam just lifted her glass to her lips.

After taking a sip Miriam said, "I know, I know. You don't have to say anything. I know I shouldn't… but I do. It just makes life seem bearable… temporarily."

"I suppose it's one way to deal with stress, I'm not here to judge." Stella shrugged. "There's no shortage of stress in the world… life around the boarding house is a new adventure every day, and it always beings plenty of bad with the good. I have to say though, having Helga around the house really has just brightened our world."

"Huh." Miriam said, "Well, I'm glad she's happy somewhere…"

Stella nodded, still waiting for Miriam to show a little more interest by at least asking a question or two about Helga, but still nothing.

"I guess things must be quiet at home, with Helga out of the hose." Stella said.

"Things at home are… well not quiet, Bob still lives there and…" Miriam suddenly snapped out of her droning voice and let out a hearty, "HA! Home… we don't even have one of those anymore. I don't even know if living in the beeper store is legal… but it's all we've got. B and I are just hanging on… but at least Helga doesn't have to suffer through it now."

Miriam had finally mentioned Helga, which peaked Stella's interest.

"Miriam… I'm sorry." Stella said, "I only told her she could come over to the boarding house whenever she wanted… one thing just sort of led to another after that. And I don't want you to feel like we're taking her away from you, because we're not at all. She's your daughter, I just want to help her however I can."

"You don't have to pretend. She's probably better off with you…" Miriam sighed.

Now Stella felt some deep guilt for coming between a mother and daughter, despite whatever good intentions she had.

"You should come over and visit when we're done here." Stella suggested, "I'm sure Helga would just love to see you. She misses you."

"I don't think that's a good idea." Miriam sighed.

Stella shook her head and said, "She hasn't seen her mother in weeks, and I don't want that to make her sad-"

"Sad? Why do you think I'm staying away from her?" Miriam sighed sadly, "I've tried over and over again with Helga but… it's finally time to face reality. She deserves better than Bob and me… she probably needs someone like you. Someone who's not a complete mess…"

Despite Miriam's self-pitying, Stella felt a rush of sympathy for her upon finally hearing some concern for Helga from her. Miriam took a long gulp of her drink and sighed in disgust with herself.

"Yeah, mother of the year right here, I know." Miriam said, with some subtle hostility, "I did alright with Olga but Helga and I… we just never… she's her father's daughter… strong, brash, powerful…" Miriam struggled to say her next words, but whispered them intensely and bitterly, "Helga hates me."

Hearing this made Stella's heart sink. She reached out a hand on the table and looked at Miriam earnestly.  
"That's not true." Stella said.

"No, no, she never hesitates to remind me I'm a lousy mom… just like her dad always reminds me I'm a lousy wife…" Miriam said, earning a frown from Stella, "And they're… well they're right. Olga turned out great on her own merits, not because of me. Helga… I never gave her what she needed. I never knew how. Olga was just such an easy kid to raise… always happy, always thinking of her mommy…"

Their server then returned with their two plates and placed them before them. Neither woman touched their food and pressed onward with their difficult conversation.

"Miriam, I'm not a perfect mother either…" Stella said, "I left Arnold when he was just one and didn't come back for ten years. I hadn't planned on catching the sleeping sickness I was trying to cure but… I should have known that was a possibility. Now I'm back and everything has changed, and I'm just struggling to catch up."

"I know how it is." Miriam sighed, "One minute you're state bull riding champ, an olympic class swimmer with the world at you're feet… and suddenly you find yourself keeping up a house for a man and two girls wondering how you got to that point… and just crawling inside your blender for comfort."

Miriam hadn't outright said it, but the subtext was obvious and it made Stella's heart sink even deeper. Still, Miriam's mention of her previous life intrigued Stella; suggesting there was much more to the downtrodden homemaker who sat here nursing her drink.

"You know, I thought I had everything I wanted in life." Stella said, "I became a doctor at a young age, and put all my knowledge to good use in the world. I never even thought about having kids or settling down… but the moment I found out I was going to have Arnold it just felt right, so I just started the next chapter in life… and even that didn't go like I thought it would. I…"

Stella unexpectedly felt herself becoming emotional on the subject, and Miriam took notice.

"Every day I have to live with knowing I was never there for my boy…" Stella said regretfully, "When I think of him going ten years without knowing Miles or me… not knowing where we were or even what happened to us I just…" Stella sat back in her chair and tried to hold back from sniffling, "But I'm there for him now. I can't change what happened but every day I make an effort to do whatever I can for him."

Miriam nodded quietly, knowing what Stella was really insinuating. Stella's guilt over leaving Arnold seemed to get to Miriam on a level she could relate to in some way. Miriam may have always been there in Helga's life, but she realized she may as well have been lost in the jungle for all the attention she had given the girl.

"I'm not a perfect mother…" Stella said, "I didn't even have a chance to learn how to be a mom, but sometimes just being there makes all the difference. That's all I want for my son… and for Helga. But I don't think Helga's given up on you…"

Miriam appeared unconvinced and the look of hopelessness on her face just worsened.

"She's just always been so angry at me…" Miriam said softly. She looked at the drink in her hand and placed it down purposefully, "And I know why…"

"Helga definitely has her own way of expressing herself, and I know it comes across harsh, but…" Stella spoke carefully, "I don't think she'd be so angry if she didn't love you…"

"I can't beat it…" Miriam said suddenly, as she pushed her glass away, "I've tried over and over, but I just can't stop… it's the only way I can get through the day."

Stella nodded sympathetically, "Have you… thought about getting help?"

Miriam laughed ironically, "Every day… but when you're faced with the choice of taking twelve steps… well, a few steps towards the blender just seems easier… it used to be easier to stop when I had more to do… now I just sort of exist… barely."

"Does… Bob help you at all?" Stella asked.

Miriam sighed sadly, "He puts up with it… just like I put up with him. Every time I've tried to stop he just…"

Miriam couldn't finish, but Stella got the idea. Before they could go on, their server reappeared yet again and placed the check between them. Miriam and Stella looked at one another, both of them wanting to make the first move. To both their surprise, Miriam made a grab for it.

"I've got it." Miriam said, picking up the check. As she looked at it however her face sank.

Stella reached over and took the check from Miriam's cold, limp, unprotesting hand. Stella then placed her other hand on Miriam's and tried to smile reassuringly. The two of them locked eyes, with Stella trying to give Miriam some hope and Miriam just looking back wanting to find that hope but unable to see it. Suddenly Stella's face lit up as a new thought occurred to her.

"Say… why don't we all do something together? All of us!" Stella suggested, "You, me, the kids… we could all just go on an adventure!"

"Adventure?" Miriam asked, weakly, "Oh… I don't do adventures… the last one nearly killed me…"

"No, I don't mean all the way back to Central America… I just mean something here in the city. Something fun, invigorating where we can get some fresh air and exercise… it'd be good for us all to just spend a little time together and forget about…" Stella said with increasing childlike enthusiasm building in her voice, "Hey! I know! There's one place I've been wanting to get to…"

A slightly crazy idea started forming in the back of Stella's mind. Stella was a fairly good judge of character, and despite all of Miriam's wallowing in defeatism, Stella could tell she had a lot more potential than this. From what little Miriam had said about her husband, and from what Stella had seen and heard of the man she knew that Miriam needed to demand better, and she had to find that strength within herself. Conventional wisdom would have just suggested getting Miriam and Bob into marriage counseling, but Stella was already feeling intrusive enough and decided Miriam really needed a friend more than anything, and for the sake of Helga, Stella decided to fill that role.

* * *

_**Whew. Well, that was the hard part to write. Now we get to the real action... where is Stella planning to take everyone? Stay tuned...**_


	5. Back to the Jungle

_**What's the cure for crippling alcoholism brought on by severe depression? Probably not this...**_

* * *

Chapter 5: Back to the Jungle

Following Miriam and Stella's breakfast outing, the Shortman and Pataki families gathered together in the foyer of the Sunset Arms as they prepared for the family outing that Stella had devised. Olga had cleaned herself up since the day before and once again looked perfectly put together and ready to take on the world again, at least on the surface. She stood by her mother who among the group unsurprisingly looked to be the least enthusiastic and would have rather just crawled back into some hiding place at Big Bob's Beepers.

Her half-heartedness paled in comparison to that of Helga's, who just stood off to the side scowling at her mother as if trying to set her on fire with her mind. Among the Patakis, Big Bob probably looked the most excited. Probably. No one knew because he wasn't present. Arnold just stood at Helga's side trying to look happy, but even he felt a twist in his stomach telling him a get together between Patakis and Shortmans couldn't end well, even if Big Bob wasn't among them. He looked at his parents who had changed out of their more casual urban attires, and now sported the clothes they used to wear on their expeditions into the jungles of San Lorenzo.

Surprisingly, Grandpa Phil displayed the most distraught temperament of anyone else present, much to his son Miles' embarrassment.

"Oh, Miles!" Grandpa wailed, "I'm begging you not to go! You know what happened last time! Pookie and I can't bear to lose you again!"

"Dad, I'm not going back to the jungle…" Miles sighed, "It's just the city zoological garden."

"I know!" Grandpa cried, "Remember when I took you there when you were just a little feller and you fell into the prairie dog pen? They nearly ate you alive! And worse, I think it gave you a taste for adventure that you never got over…"

"We'll be fine, I'm older and wiser now." Miles insisted.

"Well, you're half right." Grandpa chided.

"Here you go, dear." Grandma Gertie said lovingly to her son, handing him a large hiking backpack with supplies, "I packed you all lunches so you won't have to bother with that overpriced junk they sell there, a first aid kit, and a few other emergency supplies."

"Thanks… mom." Miles said, mildly annoyed but still grateful to have a mother who cared so much. As he looked in the backpack however he looked at his mother in concern, "But I don't think I'm going to need my old bull whip… or all these lassos…"

"Luck favors the prepared," Grandma said, "And with your luck you'll need all the preparation we can give you."

"Very funny, mom." Miles said with a roll of his eyes. As he threw the backpack on, he turned around and stepped straight into the closed door, banging his nose against the hard wood. Looks of concern momentarily flashed across Olga and Miriam's faces, but when they saw the others were unfazed by Miles's gracelessness they rightly assumed it had to be a routine hazard, and not one to worry about.

"Why don't you just go to the botanical gardens? No fauna, just flora… a little less dangerous." Grandpa suggested.

Miles, Stella and Arnold all smiled sheepishly at the mention of the botanical gardens.

"Oh, a little danger will do us all some good," Stella laughed, but then sighed, "Besides, I think we're still banned from the botanical garden after what happened last time…"

"Hey, I stand by that if they didn't want anyone climbing anything they should have put up a sign!" Miles said defensively.

"There was a sign, it said no touching." Arnold noted.

"I barely touched anything..." Stella said.

"A botanist in a botanical garden... like a kid in a candy store." Grandpa chuckled, "Oh, all right I guess you'll be fine so long as you obey Arnold. Keep a close eye on them, Short Man."

"Okay…" Arnold said, "Did you just ask me to babysit my parents?"

"Of course he did. We're a little old for a trip to the zoo, but these kids?" Helga said gesturing to Miles and Stella. She then turned to the grandparents and reassured them, "Don't worry about a thing, I'll keep an eye on all of 'em. Got any child leashes, or should I just use those ropes you packed, Granny?"

Miles and Stella shook their heads but still couldn't hold back their amused half smiles. Olga on the other hand laughed lightheartedly at Helga's suggestion.

"Oh Helga, I'm so glad you haven't lost your sense of humor in spite of all this adverse-"

With the swiftest and most drastic mood shift any of the others had ever seen, Olga burst into tears and began sobbing hysterically. The others all stared at her in surprise, not sure of what to do, but before any of them could say anything Olga's mood shifted back to overtly cheery in the blink of an eye, as if her crying fit had just been a sudden cloudburst that cleared up just as quickly as it began.

"Excuse me." Olga said with a broad grin, "I haven't been to the zoo since I was a little girl… such precious memories of childhood that I'll never-"

Again, Olga burst into tears and sobbed loudly, this time receiving a sharp smack on the cheek from Helga, which snapped her out of crying.

"Pull yourself together, Olga." Helga reproached her sister, "You're supposed to be the only Pataki who isn't a complete embarrassment."

"Helga!" Stella again reprimanded the girl, but then she looked at Miriam, "Sorry, did you want to…?"

"Oh," Miriam said morosely, "Um, Helga don't hit your sister… that's not nice…"

Helga snickered, "Wow, Miriam. You sure told me. Guess I sure learned my lesson."

"And what was that exactly?" Olga asked while rubbing her cheek.

"What Stella says goes." Helga said, "Come on, let's get this little field trip over with. Shotgun!"

Stella sighed as Helga marched out of the front door ahead of the pack. She'd hoped a little togetherness between the two families might be good for the Patakis, and the zoo seemed like a good place to help them forget their troubles just for a little while. Unfortunately Helga just couldn't restrain herself from being a constant wrench in the gears. Determined to mend things between the girl and her mother however, Stella knew she had to somehow reignite Miriam's spark, and she had thought of a unique method to try at the zoo.

The combined families somehow managed to cram themselves into Grandpa's Packard, and after a short car ride, which literally brought the Patakis closer together though not in spirit, the party arrived at the Hillwood City Zoological Garden. Helga, who had been sandwiched between her mother and sister against her will, immediately reached over them to open the car door as soon as they pulled into a parking space.

"Careful-" Olga started to say but as the door opened, she, Helga and their mother all fell out the door into a dog pile on the pavement.

"This little retreat is off to a great start." Helga muttered.

Arnold climbed out after the Patakis and offered Helga a helping hand. She declined and stood up on her own as Arnold helped Miriam to her feet.

"Thank you…" Miriam sighed.

Miles and Stella stepped out of the front seat of the car and looked up at the stone archway leading into the zoo, with colorful flags flying in the wind. Stella took a deep breath and then breathed out contentedly as she surveyed the scene.

"We never did get to bring Arnold here when he was a little guy." Miles said, "Guess we're making up for it now, son."

"Oh, we've gotten to do plenty else, don't worry." Arnold said, "Still, I haven't been here in a while. Should be fun."

"Ah, we shoulda gone to the movies." Helga griped, "We wouldn't have to talk to each other, just sit in the dark and eat…" she paused and linked an arm around Arnold's, gave him a mischievous look and whispered into his ear, "… among certain other things of course."

The sudden sound of Olga's camera phone snapping a photo of the tween couple caught their attention. Helga glared at her sister who just beamed back at her.

"Oh, you two are just the cutest." Olga fawned over them, "Just keep posing adorably, we have so many photo ops to get to while we're here."

Arnold chuckled as Helga just grimaced in response. As she looked over at the adults she saw Miriam expectedly wasn't sharing in Miles and Stella's eagerness.

"Let's just not overstimulate our dear mother." Helga said sardonically, "We don't want to tucker her out, or she might fall asleep and miss her afternoon nap."

Miriam heard her but didn't even react noticeably. Stella on the other hand could feel herself finally starting to lose her patience with Helga's attitude. She restrained herself from saying anything for now, but knew if Helga kept this up she wouldn't be able to hold back for long. The party walked together towards the front gate of the zoo, and Miles approached the ticket booth to purchase their admission. Arnold offered a hand for Helga to hold but she declined. However, she suddenly felt someone else seize her other hand and squeeze it lovingly but crushingly. Helga glared at Olga who held onto her baby sister's hand and smiled inanely.

"Let's all find our spirit animals…" Olga said dreamily, seemingly slipping off into some repressed childlike state.

"I don't think they have unicorns, but you're welcome to spend all day searching." Helga said,

As the group headed through the front gate they were greeted by a zoo security guard who started pontificating at them.

"Welcome to the Hillwood Zoological Gardens." the man said, "We have a few rules for everyone to follow…"

"Didn't you used to be the security guy at the aquarium?" Arnold asked.

A look of sheer terror flashed across the man's face for an instance as he apparently flashed back to something traumatic, and he looked at Arnold grimly.

"Yes… and I've got the shark bite scars to prove it…" he said darkly, "Anyway, that's past… back to the present, no feeding the animals, no tapping on the glass, no climbing on the railings, no running, no dog whistles, no wolf whistles, no going past the signs indicating closed exhibits, no skateboards, no roller blades, no bikes, no setting fire to anything, no-"

"Fun or enjoyment of any kind, yada yada we get it bucko. " Helga said as she walked past the guard.

As the group stepped inside of the park, Miles looked around and marveled at the impressive span of animal exhibits. Stella too took a panoramic view as she turned around and tried to take it in all at once. The place was crowded, with hundreds of families out enjoying the spring weather, all laughing happily together as they observed the various animal enclosures.

"This place is even huger than I remember as a kid." Miles said in amazement, "I think they've expanded since then... yeah I think when I was a kid they had some prairie dogs... and a camel. And I think the camel was dead..."

"Times change. Now, let's all stick close together. Arnold?" Stella said, but she suddenly realized the kids had apparently rushed off on their own, leaving the adult group behind.

"Arnold?" Stella gasped in a panic, "Where's Arnold?"

"Arnold!" Miles cried out but then he stopped and pondered, "He's twelve now... he's not a baby anymore."

Stella nodded and inhaled deeply, "He can take care of himself... and Helga and Olga are with him. He's fine..."

"They'll be fine…" Miriam said. "It's just the zoo, what's the worst that could happen?"

Suddenly they heard a commotion to their left and turned to see another security guard dragging a boy, who they recognized as one of Arnold and Helga's classmates, towards the gate.

"I told you, Gammelthorpe, you can't come here without direct parental supervision!" the guard said firmly.

"I told you, the wolves are my parents! I was separated at birth I tell ya! It's all a misunderstanding! Arf! Arf! Arf!" Curly protested, "Aw come on, you free all the animals just one or two lousy times and suddenly everyone's overly suspicious? I know my rights! You'll never keep me away forever! Just keep chasing your own tails as I-"

The guard threw the boy out through the gate and out of sight. He turned around and wiped his hands together in satisfaction.

"Twice every week at least..." he groaned as he walked past the concerned looking Miles and Stella.

"There, see?" Miriam said, "Nothing to worry about now… I'm sure we'll catch up to the kids later… just point me to the zoo cafe… I could go for a smoothie…"

Despite the kids having run off, and Miriam sounding unenthused, Stella could feel her eternal childlike zeal rising and she grabbed at Mile's arm and pointed over towards a nearby exhibit.

"Oh look!" she grinned, "Isn't it cute?"

The three adults saw a large fur covered creature strutting around its habitat enclosure separated from the crowds of onlookers. It turned and posed, as if modeling for the crowd and showing off its long nasty looking claws. It gnashed its razor sharp teeth at everyone in the crowd, either smiling or trying to scare everyone away.

"He just looks so huggable doesn't he?" Stella asked.

"Only you could find a wolverine huggable." Miles chuckled.

Stella laughed in spite of herself, and then looked at Miriam, who alas wasn't sharing their excitement and just looked ready to leave already. Stella hadn't really expected Miriam to suddenly light up and express the same kind of gusto she felt for this zoo outing, but Stella had privately decided Miriam needed to be jolted out of her complacency somehow and this was the place to do that. Drawing on her own life experience, Stella thought of all the times she had looked death in the face on her jungle adventures and how alive it ironically made her feel. Stella looked back at the wolverine, which while impressive she suspected wouldn't be the right animal to use in her crazy plan to snap Miriam out of her funk. It had to be something bigger and slightly more… dangerous.

Not far away, but out of sight of their parents, Arnold, Helga and Olga walked along while looking at their maps.

"So, where to first?" Arnold asked, "Monkey Island? Cat Pad? Reptile Recreation Center?"

"Whatever, let's just stay out of the aviary, I don't do well with birds-" Helga found herself suddenly interrupted by bird droppings splatting onto her face. "Typical…" she muttered.

"Oh let me get that for you Helga!" Olga grabbed a handkerchief from her purse and tried to wipe her sister's face off. "We have to keep you looking picture perfect for this little album I have planned…"

"Stay back!" Helga squirmed away, "Don't touch me with that thing, I don't know where it's been!"

Before Olga could get close enough however, a gust of wind suddenly blew her hanky away.

"Oh no!" she squealed melodramatically, but as she reached out and tried to follow her handkerchief, another hand caught it in the air and stopped Olga dead in her tracks.

Standing before them, what looked like some bronze statue of an ancient Greek god wearing a zookeeper uniform held aloft Olga's handkerchief that he had caught in the air. He looked at it, and then held it to his nose to sniff it, expressing great pleasure in doing so.

"Creep…" Helga said, "And that's coming from me…" She nudged Arnold playfully, which got a small chuckle out of him.

Olga however didn't appear to share her sister's assessment of the man, and was staring at the man not unlike she had once ogled a group of hunky river pirates. This young man similarly exuded that same malevolently primal attractiveness Olga had no defense against. His shirt had been unbuttoned down past his chiseled pectorals and his sharp angular face was framed by a flowing mane of golden hair that waved majestically, despite there not being so much as a breeze in the air.

"Hey! I said no littering!" the security guard shouted in Olga's direction as he came running towards them.

"Please," the adonis-like zookeeper said, in some strange unplaceable accent, "Purely an accident. Could have happened to anyone… but tragically it had to happen to… you." As he strutted over, he fixed Olga with an inviting look, and then handed back her belonging. Helga looked at him suspiciously, trying to place his accent, which at first had sounded British, then Australian, but with some hint of French or possibly Spanish. Whatever it was, Helga didn't buy it as authentic.

"Thank you." Olga said, "Who do I have to thank for…?"

"Assistant Zookeeper," he said cooly, then added, "Trainee. Can I be of any further… assistance, ma'am?"

He gave Olga an alluring smile and flashed his pearly white teeth, contrasted with his perfectly evenly toned tan face.

"You can assist me all you want…" Olga said teasingly.

The zookeeper leaned in close to Olga as she shifted into some rather friendly body language. Helga just looked on in total disgust while Arnold appeared confused as to what was happening.

"You know, I'm something of an expert on every creature in this fine establishment… but I must say I've yet to classify such a rare specimen such as yourself… what is the name of this divine creature? Wait… don't tell me… it's something to do with the sunrise… yes, the rising sun over the vast blue ocean. I see it in your eyes, sparkling like water dancing with the light of the glimmering golden sun… framed by that golden halo of angelic hair atop your radiant head… so soft and gentle yet warm as-"

"It's Olga." Helga interrupted.

"Olga…" the assistant zookeeper continued, "What a beautiful name… for such a beautiful, beautiful woman…."

Olga looked about ready to melt while Helga looked about ready to lose her lunch.

Helga whispered in Arnold's ear, "His accent just changed four times in one sentence…"

"Well, Assistant Zookeeper Trainee…" Olga cooed as she linked her arm around the man's sinewy arm, "What do I call you?"  
"My real name is Chadwick." the man said with great pride, "But you can call me…"

"Chad…" Olga swooned.

"No." Chadwick said abruptly, almost angrily, "Call me Assistant Zookeeper Trainee, please. That is who I am to the people of this place, and so I must remain…"

Olga reacted with understandable surprise and confusion. Never had she heard someone sound so proud or insistent to be called 'assistant' or 'trainee,' and yet Chadwick wore it like a badge of honor and demanded to be addressed by his title. Seeing he had perplexed Olga, he turned his charm back on and continued.

"Come, I can show you everything… things that most pedestrian zoo goers would never witness… all the wonders of the natural world that only a seasoned expert holds knowledge of…" he said rather dramatically, "Come. You will be treated to herds of flamingos, sweeping majestically across the savannah… flocks of exotic tropical fish taking flight, but first I will show you to where the elephants have laid their eggs… and with the glowing warmth of our combined radiant passion, I believe we may cause the miracle of nature to unfold as they hatch before our eyes."

"Oh." Olga said eagerly, "Please… show me everything…"

With her arm curled around his bicep, Olga walked off with Chadwick leaving Arnold and Helga just staring at them as they went. Neither of them had any explicit desire to follow along with them, and so they remained still.

"So much for family togetherness." Helga said, and then grinned deviously, "Perfect. Miriam and Olga down, now it's just me and you my beloved… come on, let's go deeper into the park before the old folks catch up. I don't know what our moms are scheming but I want no part of it…"

"Did he just say elephants come from eggs?" Arnold asked.

* * *

_**If Stella's vague plan sounds concerning… well that's because it is.**_

_**So… you write from your own experience, and I've been spending way too much time at the Milwaukee Zoo lately… I ditched the Nick Vermacelli abduction plot for this story instead after thinking up a few crazy scenarios at the zoo that could snap Miriam out of her funk.**_

_**I started off just writing the security guard from the episode 'Field Trip' as the assistant zookeeper trainee, because I thought would be funny having him taking his position incredibly seriously while not knowing a thing about any of the animals… but then this idea of some dreamy, sleazy hunk who's a complete fraud and kind of insane came to mind, and thus was born Chadwick… the latest of Olga's poor choices in men. Kind of a Gaston like character, only a little less down to earth.**_


	6. Hear Me Roar

_**From the feedback I'm getting, I guess Chadwick the Assistant Zookeeper Trainee is the breakout character of this story… I must not forget the title of this story is Miriam and Stella. It's funny, I normally try to avoid coming up with original characters for the most part, since I'm trying to fool myself into thinking this is a real continuation of the show, and whenever an original character comes along I feel like I lose that illusion… dear god I'm pretentious. ;)**_

_**Still, not as pretentious as Chadwick… yeah, expect more of him, he's more than just a throwaway joke. He has a purpose in this little story as we'll see in coming chapters…**_

_**I guess I've done away with the illusion of trying to make these feel like 11-22 minute episodes by now, too. Oh well.**_

* * *

Chapter 6: Hear Me Roar

Surrounded by kids, and none of them their own, Miles, Stella and Miriam slowly shuffled through the crowds on their way to the next exhibit. Once there, they beheld an enormous African elephant, lumbering along within its enclosure and followed closely by its calf. Stella smiled admiringly as the mother elephant stopped to caress its child with its trunk. She couldn't read an elephant's expression, but she could feel the mother and child relationship built on pure trust between the two animals. Stella looked at Miriam who still looked none too enthused by the sights.

"Did you and Bob ever bring your girls here?" Stella asked.

"Not since Olga was little. I don't really like zoos…" Miriam admitted, "All these animals stuck in cages… just stuck doing the same thing day after day… existing with no purpose other than getting to the next day… just eating, drinking, sleeping…"

She didn't even have to say it reminded her too strongly of her own life, Stella got that message loud and clear.

"Sorry. I don't mean to rain on the parade." Miriam said. "It just reminds me of community service at the animal shelter…"

"Oh, don't worry." Stella said cheerily, thought with some effort. "I think I know what you mean… part of me wants to just break them all out and let them roam free. Free like all living things should be. Free to pursue their own passions and control their own destinies."

Stella glanced around and noticed a sign pointing towards a large pavilion; a sign reading 'big cats,' and finally Stella knew exactly what she was going to attempt. She felt some nagging voice of reason telling her not to do it, but she reassured herself that Miriam wouldn't be in any real danger… not really.

"Come on!" Stella grabbed Miles by his sleeve, "Let's go see the cats."

Elsewhere, at Helga's urging Arnold had stopped by a food cart and was purchasing her something to eat.

"Man, I am starved." Helga said, and then yawned heavily, "And all this walking in the sun is starting to tire me out, too…"

Arnold handed her the hot dog and ice cream cone he'd bought for her and smiled reluctantly.

"Grandma did pack us lunches so we wouldn't have to-"

"Not in the mood for peanut butter and scrod today." Helga wretched at the thought, "Gimme a good old fashioned American beef frank over that any old day." She promptly shoved the entire hot dog into her mouth and splattered mustard all over her face in the process. She then started licking her ice cream and smiled at Arnold with a twinkle in her eye, "Plus, things just taste all the more sweet coming from you… especially ice cream…" She swooned heavily.

Arnold sighed, and having anticipated Helga's usual sloppy eating habits raised a napkin to her face to clean it off. In response, Helga belched loudly in his face and then sighed dreamily.

"Thank you, dear." she said.

"Oh, just doing my job…" Arnold sighed, "Where to now?"

"Somewhere dark and secluded, I guess." Helga suggested.

"So… why exactly are we avoiding our parents?" Arnold asked. "I think they wanted us all to spend time together."

"Uh, doi. That's the whole master plan. Oh isn't it obvious?" Helga huffed as she licked her ice cream, "This is all some scheme by your mom to get Miriam and me to bond, you know, mend fences or some such crap."

Arnold considered and shrugged, "Well… would that be so bad? You were worried about my mom trying to mother you too much, so-"

"So what?" Helga asked, "Doesn't mean I'm dying for another feeble attempt from Miriam to pretend she cares if I live or die."

Arnold shook his head and frowned.

"I don't get why you're so hard on your mom…" he said, "I know she's kind of forgetful, and has her whole problem with… you know… but she seems really sad all the time. Maybe if you just showed her you cared she'd-"

"Arnold." Helga said firmly, "Let's not go there again. I don't need you or your mom moral policing me all the time or telling me what I need."

"Helga… my mom got her out of the beeper store for the day," Arnold said, "That's a step in the right-"

"Look, I get it." Helga snapped, "Your whole do-goody family sees mine as the ultimate project to fix. Well guess what? The Pataki clan is unfixable, and I'm good with that. Big Bob has his life, Miriam has her lack of life, Olga will probably be engaged again by the time we leave here, and I've got my life. Miriam's just gotta move on. I am. And neither you nor Stella can't change that."

"I think my mom just wanted to show us all a good time…"

"By taking us to the zoo?" Helga laughed, "Please, we're not little kids anymore, we're practically teens now!"

"I still like coming here…" Arnold said.

"Yeah, I guess you'll always be a child at heart, won't you?" Helga teased, "Just like Miles and Stella. Now come on, as long as we're here I wanna go watch some big reptile eat something alive…"

As Helga tromped off ahead of Arnold as the normally warmhearted boy felt his mood darkening. He understood that Helga's anger all came from a place of hurt, and he wanted to give her solace but started to wonder if he or anyone else was really up to the challenge, and if it was even worth the pain.

Over by a large tank of water, Chadwick leaned over the barrier and gestured wildly with his arms as if trying to conduct an animal symphony, while Olga looked on in wonderment and awe.

"Fly, my beauties, fly! Fly free as all birds should!" Chadwick urged the penguins. The flightless birds all stared at him blankly, then waddled to the edge of their rock and dove into their aquarium. As they swam away, Chadwick sighed heavily, and then he turned his gaze back to Olga.

"Ulla…" he sighed, still speaking in some faux continental accent.

"Olga." she corrected.

"Do not correct me!" he said firmly as he flourished his hand before his face in a theatrical fashion, "From my mouth may fly fallaciousness from time to time, but there is only infallible truth inside the heart pounding from within my taut muffiny chest… and yet, I worry now that I must make a confession…"

"What is it, Chadwick?" Olga asked in concern.

"Assistant Zookeeper Trainee! Please!" Chadwick wailed dramatically, "This is my mantle… nay, my burden and my curse, for my inert connection with nature makes me a mystery to the ordinary rung of man… though ladies are drawn to me like anteaters to honey for my ways are fascinating, there has not yet been a woman who can hold me, for the creatures of this menagerie depend upon me! My official capacity may be to assist the zookeeper… but it is the animal kingdom that truly needs my assistance!"

Olga clasped her hands together and looked upon him in pure adoration for his self-proclaimed selflessness and devotion to these creatures.

"I see the pity welling in your sapphire eyes." he sighed, "Pity me not, I say. Yes, I am alone, but never lonely in this wild microcosm…" He then reached over the barrier and into the aquarium, grabbing onto and withdrawing one of the penguins which he then held in his arms like an infant. "Every creature here, from the tiniest most delicate hippopotamus, to the mighty golden lion marmoset… are all my children. I am the father they need, not the zookeeper they deserve. I cannot bind myself to any one creature forever, like all children if you love them you must nurture them, but also let them go that they may spread their wings and one day dare to fly!"

At the height of his speech, he threw the penguin upwards and over the barrier, apparently expecting it to do as he said. The penguin of course just dropped back down, fortunately into the water where it frantically swam away.

"Oh…" Olga sighed dreamily, now lost in Chadwick's little fantasy world and completely enamored of him, "That is so… something…"

"Hey, Chad?" the voice of another nearby zookeeper, "That tank is looking kinda gross. You gonna scrub it today?"

"Shut up, Steve…" Chadwick grumbled, now in a very clear American accent.

As Steve rolled his eyes and walked off, Chadwick looked back at Olga who with her hands still clasped together over her heart in girlish excitement was just starting dreamily off into space. Chadwick grinned to himself and then stepped over behind Olga and loomed over her, casting a shadow.

"The longing in your eyes…" Chadwick said tenderly, "I have seen it so many times before, yet never with such fierce animalistic intensity as I see in you… my dear darling dromedary? To what ends of this earth I would go to quench the thirst I feel within you… would only it were possible."

"It is possible!" Olga now pleaded, "Please, I may just be a sophisticated cosmopolitan socialite with award winning pedicured toenails, but if you free me from this construct of society I… I could be at one with nature too! If it means that we could be together, I would give it all up! I would be the assistant to your Assistant Zookeeper Trainee!" With a long emotional sigh, Olga collapsed into Chadwick's waiting arms. He smiled with enormous self-satisfaction at Olga's swooning.

"Then let us not waste another moment. There is much to do, and we must begin." he whispered in her ear. "Come away with me, we wouldn't want you just wandering around helplessly where unsavory charlatans prey upon emotionally vulnerable young women…"

Chadwick lifted the limp but willing Olga in his arms and carried her off to the next stage of his scheme.

Inside of the big cats pavilion, the trio of adults all split off and observed different equally impressive feline specimens on display. The pavilion allowed for visitors to get very up close and personal with some of the most cunning and deadly predators in nature, and Stella knew they had come to the right place. Miles had stopped to observe the jaguar, which just paced back and forth with its eyes fixed on him. Miles had come face to face with the species in the jungles and was enjoying seeing one up close that he didn't have to worry about potentially mauling him. Stella watched from behind him and as she admired the beautiful cat, realized she needed something bigger and more powerful for what she had planned. As she surveyed the nearby pens, she at last spotted the one marked 'lions.'

"Perfect." she said, rubbing her hands together. She glanced back at Miriam who was staring at a rather lethargic looking snow leopard, sprawled out and sleeping on its backside as it snored loudly. It and Miriam seemed to be sharing a connection, which was more or less what Stella hoped for, just at the opposite extreme.

"Hey, Miriam!" Stella called out, "Come and look!"

Miriam turned her head in Stella's direction and sighed. Reluctantly she walked over in Stella's direction, and gasped in surprise when Stella unexpectedly grabbed her by the wrist and started pulling her over towards the lion pen.

"Wha-?" Miriam asked, "What are you do-"

"I had a hidden agenda, coming here today." Stella said, "I can tell when there's much more to someone than they're willing to accept…"

"What are you talking about?" Miriam asked.

"You." Stella said, "There's a lot more to Miriam Pataki than this mopey, whiny, defeatist who just wants to roll over and die like a depressed box turtle… we're going to unleash the real Miriam that you've locked away… the world class swimmer and champion bull rider and whatever else you were before you resigned yourself to this!"

"Huh?" Miriam tried to keep up with Stella's increasingly animated tone, but as she saw where Stella was dragging her she abruptly began to fear for her life.

"There he is…" Stella pointed to the majestic but deadly looking lion, "Not a beeper king but the king of all beasts… and I want you to look that beast right in the eye and…"

As they approached however, the lion opened its gaping jaws not to roar but instead yawn. Before they could get close, the beast circled around and stretched his legs like an enormous tabby, before turning away from them and lying down to sleep.

"Darn it…" Stella muttered. Still desperate to put her plan into action, she turned to see an even larger and more terrifying feline staring in their direction, as if watching them through the bars of its enclosure.

"Come on…" Stella said, pointing at the huge Siberian tiger staring at them, "He's got the eye of the tiger… and you're gonna look right into it…"

Miles meanwhile had finally taken notice of his wife's antics and stepped over to voice his concern.

"Honey…?" Miles asked in concern, "You're a botanist, not a psychologist, and I don't think this is the best idea…"

"Not now dear, I'm helping a friend…" Stella insisted.

"Oh you really don't need to go to this much trouble on my account…" Miriam protested. "Maybe you're the adventurous type but I'm just not-"

"Welcome to the jungle, Miriam, where you either run from the tiger... or you fight the tiger!" Stella goaded as she pushed Miriam up against the railing at the tiger's cage.

"What?" Miriam gasped, "Do you mind if I just… avoid the tiger altogether?"

"Not an option!" Stella said, practically roaring herself, "That tiger is fear itself… you need to face your fear, and stand up to it! Look at him…" Stella said as she pushed Miriam past the railing and dangerously close to the bars holding back the enormous predator, which stared straight at Miriam.

"What is happening!?" Miriam cried out in bewilderment.

Inches away from Miriam's face, the Tiger suddenly reared up on its hind legs and pressed its enormous claws against the bars. Miriam gasped in horror as it opened its enormous jaws and unleashed a deafening roar in her face. Miriam could feel the hot air from the beast's maw blowing through her hair and even causing her glasses to fly off. Even more terrifyingly, this all just seemed to excite and encourage Stella.

"Yes!" Stella urged, with a wild look in her eye growing more and more intense, "And when the tiger roars in your face, do you cower? No! You don't flinch, you don't run, you don't shrink away and hide, you look that tiger right in the eye and say 'I am Miriam! Hear me roar!"

"I- uh… oh…" Miriam's eyes rolled back into her skull and she keeled over backwards. Stella caught her as she fell, and quickly realized this idea of hers may have just fallen a little on the unadvisable side of the extreme. Miles rushed over and helped his wife lift the now unconscious Miriam and carry her over to a nearby bench.

"Hey!" the same security guard from earlier came rushing over, "No going over the railing! You'll stress out the animals!"

"Got it…" Stella groaned.

"I shouldn't say anything, should I?" Miles asked.

"That would be good, yes." Stella confirmed.

* * *

_**Based on a real life encounter at the zoo I had years ago, in which my sister stood right up against the glass and a young energetic tiger punched at her, banging straight into the glass and scaring the living sh** out of everyone. My sister claimed it was invigorating…**_

_**If you've read some other stories of mine, you know that Stella has kind of a hidden crazy berserker state… it was there just a little bit in 'The Journal,' but I tend to bring it out full force...**_

_**Who's in more danger… Miriam or Olga? Find out next time…**_


	7. Jerk of the Jungle

Chapter 7: Jerk of the Jungle

Helga dragged Arnold over towards the reptile pavilion and the two of them enjoyed a cold blast of air conditioning greeting them as they entered. Helga immediately found her way towards the largest and deadliest specimens on display, as Arnold slowly followed behind her. Pressing her face up against the glass she stared at an enormous crocodile, looking like the ancient holdover from the age of the dinosaurs that it was with great interest in her eyes. Helga always exhibited a slightly savage nature, even at her best, but today something about the presence of her mother and sister had her veering into slightly ax crazy territory, which only worried her mild mannered beau more with each passing minute. Still, Arnold was at least glad to see Helga enjoying herself despite earlier pooh poohing the zoo as kid stuff. As city kids the only wildlife they had to look at most days consisted of pigeons and the occasional rats, not including the unique little herd of animals that lived in the boarding house, so Arnold never quite lost his childlike sense of wonder and awe for creatures from around the world. Helga meanwhile only expressed interest in deadlier critters it seemed.

"Pity I could only get that scrawny monitor lizard and not something more like this for a pet…" Helga said as she grinned mischievously.

"What would you do with a pet crocodile?" Arnold asked in slight concern.

"Have you no imagination, Football Head? What wouldn't I do?" Helga laughed, "I can think of at least two or three people I'd like to introduce this thing to right now…"

Not bothering to worry about what criminally insane thing Helga would do with a crocodile at her disposal, Arnold stared at the monstrous reptile which sat perfectly still along the bank of its artificial habitat. Out of the corner of his eye, Arnold noticed swimming in the water nearby were several smaller reptiles, all dwarfed by the massive alpha croc they might as well have been chicken tenders in comparison. Apparently the enormous croc took notice of them and slowly wriggled into the water and began swimming towards them.

"All right, feeding time." Helga laughed as she wrung her hands together. "This is what we paid for…"

Arnold's eyes widened as the big crocodile swam over to the small peeping creatures and opened its jaws wide. In a few delicate bites it gobbled up the defenseless little swimmers, causing Helga to laugh uproariously.

"There you have it. The law of the jungle." Helga said, "It's a croc eat croc world."

As Helga wiped tears of laughter from her eyes however, Arnold looked a little closer and saw that Helga couldn't have been further off.

"I don't think so." Arnold said, "Look."

Arnold pointed at the crocodiles lower jaw which appeared to be expanding, and rather than swallowing the little ones whole or chewing them up appeared to be ferrying them around in its jaws like a giant baby stroller.

"Playing with its food?" Helga suggested.

"No… I think those are her babies." Arnold chuckled, "Kinda cute, huh?"

"Oh criminey… that's disappointing." Helga groaned, "Is it too much to want to watch something get eaten around here?"

Arnold squinted his eyes at the information printed on the crocodiles nearby as he read.

"It says they only eat once a month…" he said.

"Man, nature is boring…" Helga said.

Arnold looked at Helga who crossed her arms and started to sulk petulantly. He gave her a knowing smile and saw another opportunity to try to lighten her mood.

"I think it's kinda neat, seeing how they care for each other." he said, "It might not look like it at first… but she's just being a good mother, and she's there for them when the chips are down."

Helga raised her eyebrow at him, not even remotely amused by his less than subtle insinuation.

"I'm not really interested in this subject anymore, Arnold." Helga said dismissively, "In fact I don't think I ever was."

"Aw, come on." Arnold said, "Our moms brought us here to spend time with us and we just ditched them. We should go try to find them."

Helga scowled, but knew she wouldn't be able to avoid them forever. Regardless of what Miriam and Stella were plotting, she'd still be going home to the boarding house at the end of the day so she reluctantly nodded and walked off with Arnold on a search for their parents.

"I'll get you more ice cream…" Arnold said with one of his broad ear to ear smiles.

Despite having just eaten plenty, Helga's stomach growled loudly, and she similarly growled in annoyance.

"You really know my weaknesses now… fine." she said, "But if you so much as shove one more on-the-nose animal life lesson in my face, then so help me, that football head of yours hasn't looked so punchable in years…"

Not far away from the reptile house, sitting near the large outdoor giraffe enclosure, Miriam lay back on a bench as Miles fanned her with his hat and Stella held a fruit smoothie under the despondent woman's nose. Stella's personal brand of tiger therapy hadn't gone as she'd hoped, and she now worried she'd knocked the already fragile Miriam into a coma.

"Can I say something now?" Miles asked.

"No." Stella sighed, "No need. The results speak for themselves…"

"What were you even trying to do?" Miles asked as he kept fanning the slowly stirring Miriam.

Stella shrugged her shoulders and sighed. Miles had always been a happy go lucky kind of guy, and never one to be prone to fits of depression, and Stella had neither been either, but she at least knew people like Miriam in the past, and she could never stand watching them wallow in their despair until it became debilitating. She felt a special need to try to break Miriam out of this state because of the effect it had clearly had on Helga, a girl who may not have been Stella's own daughter but she cared for her as much as one. Stella looked at Miles, the most big hearted and understanding person she'd ever met and hoped he wouldn't now think less of her for attempting something so reckless. Of course, she knew him well enough to know he wouldn't, but she expected he'd still be somewhat shocked.

"I just wanted to shake her out of her own apathy… it's killing her." Stella said.

"Not as badly as that tiger could have-"

"Oh please, it was behind bars…" Stella shot back defensively, but then sighed, "Okay, it was a bad idea. Maybe I can't help her… maybe she needs-"

"Smoothie?" Miriam at last mumbled, smelling the drink.

"Oh good, you're alright." Stella sighed with relief. "Here. For you."

Stella handed Miriam the fruit smoothie and Miriam took a large sip of it. As she did a mild look of disappointment came over her.

"Just a smoothie…" Stella said, "Nothing stronger…"

"Oh yeah, yeah, sure that's how I like em…" Miriam said unconvincingly, "Did I just get attacked by a tiger, or did I dream that?"

Miles and Stella looked at one another and grinned uncomfortably, silently debating whether or not to be upfront about what had just happened. Before they could answer one way or the other, they were suddenly interrupted.

"Mom! Dad!" Arnold's voice suddenly rang out among the crowd.

"Arnold!" Miles and Stella instinctively dropped what they were doing with Miriam and rushed over to greet their boy running towards them. Behind Arnold, Helga walked up with no clear hurry to reach the adult group again, and she looked at the reunion between Arnold and his parents incredulously. Stella wrapped her arms around Arnold, and Miles surrounded both his wife and son in a tight embrace. Helga just raised an eyebrow, wondering if they realized they had only been apart for twenty minutes, tops.

"Oh Arnold… I'm so sorry… we'll never let you out of our sight again." Stella wept.

"Mom…?" Arnold asked, now sounding slightly concerned.

"Oops." Stella said in slight embarrassment and she giggled awkwardly, "I… had another flashback. Sorry."

"It's okay." Arnold laughed, now accustomed to his parents occasionally reacting to brief periods of separation in this manner.

"Whenever you're away from us it just feels like another full ten years have slipped by…" Miles said with sentiment heavy in his voice.

"Oh you're breaking my shriveled little heart…" Helga groaned as she walked past them, "Come on. Let's go point and laugh at stuff."

Stella looked at Helga and smiled, and the sulky girl couldn't help but smile back in spite of herself.

"See?" Stella said, "You're having fun."

"Am not." Helga huffed as she tromped over towards the giraffe enclosure.

Stella watched Helga sulk over towards the giraffes. She wanted nothing more than to see the girl happy, but she wanted her happiness to be brought on by her own mother for a change. Stella turned to Miriam and smiled encouragingly, gesturing with her head in Helga's direction. Miriam sighed and then reluctantly stood up to go join her daughter. Approaching her from behind almost tentatively, Miriam placed her hands on the metallic railing enclosing the giraffes and looked down at Helga, finally facing Helga after the debacle that led to their separation a month earlier. Helga refused to look at her mother and just stared at the giraffes tromping around awkwardly on their spindly legs, but she grimaced upon seeing yet another parent child moment from the animal kingdom as a mother giraffe nuzzled its baby. Nature itself seemed to be conspiring with Stella to mend things between Miriam and Helga, and all of the girl's painfully confusing feelings about her mother and surrogate mother figure just caused her the kind of angst that used to send kids running in fear from her.

To make matters worse, naturally Miriam commented on the sight.

"Aw, well that's sweet…" she said, and then clumsily started fishing for something to talk about, "I uh… I remember when I was a really little girl, about your age I think… I used to wish I was a giraffe."

Helga raised an eyebrow and finally looked at her mother with a skeptical glare.

"At twelve you wanted to be… a giraffe?" Helga spat out, clearly unmoved.

"You're twelve now?" Miriam gasped, "I… Helga, you're growing up so fast, sweetie…"

Helga sighed and slumped down over the railing as Miriam tried to keep the already dead conversation going.

"Well, that was when I was really little I guess… you know, we all like to pretend to be animals when we're little, but I think that was the first thing I really wanted to be when I grew up."

"Way to aim high, Miriam." Helga said.

Miriam laughed awkwardly, trying and failing to get some laughter out of her gloomy girl, "I uh… I don't remember, what was the first thing you ever wanted to be, Helga?"

"An only child." Helga said flatly.

Miriam winced at the sound of this, but then it occurred to her one member of their party was nowhere to be seen.

"Say, where is Olga?" Miriam asked.

"Oh, she's found herself another keeper…" Helga sighed, but then chucked in amusement, "A zookeeper to be exact…"

"Huh?" Miriam asked in slight confusion but then rubbed her temples, sounding slightly dazed as she said, "Oh… 'zookeeper'… I thought you said 'new beeper.'"

Helga nodded, "You know… I actually wanna see her bring this one home just to see what Bob would do…"

Miriam looked at Helga in surprise, and Helga quickly realized she had inadvertently referenced the Pataki household as home again, and some mild desire to return to it. Not willing to admit this to herself or Miriam, Helga then started to speak in a mocking and insincere tone

"Well, no Olga, but hey, at least I'm here, right Miriam? Now let's you and me spend some quantity time together while we're here. You and me, two bundles of Pataki brand joy…"

Sensing tension already building between Helga and Miriam, Stella felt her do-goody busybody instincts compelling her to step in and mediate things. She glanced over and smiled at the sight of Miles giving Arnold one of the sandwiches that Gertie had packed as the two of them conversed jovially. Tentatively, she slowly and quietly approached Miriam and Helga from behind and listened in on their conversation. She felt her spirits soar when she heard Helga laughing heartily, but then she realized Miriam wasn't sharing in her laughter and she immediately felt concerned again.

"Aw man, the way they have to bend over just to get a drink!" Helga laughed, pointing at a giraffe awkwardly stretching its legs apart and bending downwards to take a drink of water. Helga looked at her mother and laughed cruelly, "If only we had it that hard, huh? Might solve all your problems."

"Huh?" Miriam said, but then sighed sadly as Helga's mockery sank in, "Oh."

Stella felt a rush of frustration with Helga, and began to suspect part of what caused Miriam's despondence. None of them said a word for a painfully awkward minute, and finally with a sigh Miriam tromped back over to the bench she had been sitting on before. Helga barely noticed her departure, and Stella now fixed Helga with a disappointed look.

"I hope you don't talk to your mother like that all the time." Stella said.

Helga snapped her head in Stella's direction and frowned. Ever since moving into the boarding house, Helga had gravitated towards Stella, and the woman's caring nurturing nature had been everything she never knew she needed. She realized in this moment however that she may have taken advantage of Stella's patience and understanding, and now she assumed Stella had become tired of her just like everyone else always did. Why else would she now be trying to send her back to Miriam and Bob? Now Helga once gain felt herself slipping back into her old self-sabotaging ways; pushing away something positive in life for fear that it was too good to be true. Helga gave a haughty huff and answered Stella snippily.

"Thanks to you, I don't have to talk to her at all these days."

"Helga…" Stella said in frustration, "Give her a chance. She's trying."

"She wouldn't even be speaking to me at all if you hadn't butted in like this." Helga snipped, "What happened to you? You were so cool before, and now all you're doing any more is just telling me to shape up! I know I'm a mess but I don't need you to fix me!"

"That's not what I'm trying to do at all, Helga…" Stella insisted, "You're special to Arnold… and that makes you special to me too, and I'm worried about you…"

"You've got your own kid to worry about." Helga said, "I don't need anyone to mother me. I've gotten along just fine up to this point."

"Helga… you don't realize how lucky you are." Stella said, "I know it's not easy, but you've had your mom here all this time. I wasn't able to be there for Arnold at all until now…"

"Yeah, yeah, you were lost in the jungle, we all know the story." Helga huffed, "Still, better to be lost in the jungle than inside of a bottle like my mom…"

Stella finally lost her patience with Helga and gave her the stern 'mom' look.

"Helga." she said firmly, "I'm sorry for everything you've had to go through, I really am. I can't pretend to understand everything you're feeling, but you need to fix this attitude if you want things to change. At the end of the day we're all responsible for our own happiness, and if you stay this angry and don't let anyone help you then…. then you'll just have to live with being unhappy."

Stella's warning finally got through to Helga, but not in a good way; her exact words reminded her too strongly of a similar harsh piece of advice she had once gotten. Helga looked back at Stella with anger burning in her eyes, but only to cover the deep and unbearable sadness welling up inside of her.

"Well, fine! Then I guess I'll just live with my unhappiness!" Helga stamped her foot and shouted, "I don't need Miriam, and I don't need you either!"

The enraged girl spun on her heal and dashed off into a crowd of people before Stella could react.

"Helga, wait!" Stella protested, "Helga!"

Arnold and Miles took notice of the shouting and came rushing over, only to see a small flash of pink disappearing into the crowds. Miriam too, who had noticed the escalating argument between her daughter and Stella slowly walked over wearing a look of concern.

"Helga?" Arnold called after her, "Mom? What happened?"

"What was I thinking…" Stella groaned, "I'm just full of bad ideas and impulses today. I'm sorry, Miriam, I was too hard on her…"

"At least you were… _something_… with her…" Miriam sighed sadly.

Elsewhere, another Pataki girl tentatively started to question some of her recent life decisions. Sure, this mysterious and hunky zookeeper she had come across truly was a once in a lifetime catch, yet she couldn't help but wonder if that was necessarily a good thing. He seemed interested in her for certain, yet owing to his unique lifestyle he apparently needed to put her through some kind of trial to determine her worthiness or devotion to nature or something. Now, with her hips secured firmly in Chadwick's grip, Olga leaned over the railing of the wolf enclosure and stared down at said creatures looking up at her like a piece of meat.

"Are you sure this is safe, Chadwick?" Olga asked.

"Assistant Zookeeper Trainee, please my cheeky little chimpanzee!" Chadwick responded sharply, "And if you are truly the one chosen by mother nature herself to tame the wild yet maternal heart dwelling within this adorable anatomically correct body, then the wolves will tell us!"

Olga felt a twinge of concern, perhaps a little late as she dangled over a pack of wolves. Still, Chadwick was the assistant zookeeper trainer and must have known what he was doing.

"Okay…" Olga said, "What do I… do?"

"You must profess your most deep unbound inner wolf!"

"My… I'm not sure I have one of those in me…" Olga said nervously.

"What can you know is in you… until you release it!" Chadwick urged. "Only then will you know if you and I and me and you are meant to be! You must unleash the beast!"

"It's just… I think you found me at an emotionally vulnerable time in my life, so I'm just starting to wonder if I might be rushing into-"

"And without hesitation!" Chadwick shouted.

"AWOOO!" Olga howled suddenly.

The wolves all scattered in confusion at the sound of the human woman howling at them from above. Chadwick placed Olga back down on the ground and looked at her ominously.  
"What you just said to them…" he sounded offended, "In wolf culture… that was… unforgivably insensitive. I… I cannot be seen with you in their presence now…"

"Oh no…" Olga gasped, worried she had failed the test, "I… I didn't mean any-"

Chadwick burst into manic laughter and startled Olga.

"And because you have slurred one of nature's most cunning and powerful creatures, that means that you… you are _fearless_, my porcelain peacock…" he said with an inviting smile, "Yes… you are ready…"

"Oh…" Olga said, batting her eyelashes she felt herself getting squishy again as Chadwick's nonparallel charm did its work. He leaned in close to her and she closed her eyes, puckering up she readied herself for what she felt would be a moment of true love, yet she didn't feel his lips meeting hers. Instead, she just heard him whisper into her ear.

"It is time…" he said, "For you to face the ultimate beast…"

Olga blinked in surprise, "I thought… what was this all about then?"

"A dress rehearsal." Chadwick declared, "A prelude to the overture of a preview of the unspeakable terrors that await us now… and if we come out of it with all of our adorable limbs still attached, then we shall we have the consent of my parents: mother nature and mighty Zeus himself. To gain their blessing, we must face down nature's most deadliest and violent monsters… in a secluded area currently closed to the public, for the horrors within would send lesser demigods among men running and screaming back to their mothers… come."

"Great." Olga said, forcing herself to smile and overcome with raw terror as Chadwick took her hand and led her off.

Out of sight from Miriam, Stella, Arnold or Miles, Helga kept running. Not knowing where or when she'd stop she just kept herself going, not just running from the people she came here with, but from all the painful feelings that came with them. Caught up in the intensity of her feelings, she failed to notice a sign reading 'exhibit closed as she passed it by. Finally, she slowed to a walk, and as she glanced around she realized not a soul was about, and she was just as literally alone in the world now as she felt on the inside.

This had to be the most secluded section in the entire zoo, with only a single footpath leading behind towards a large circular concrete circular pen, and partially obscured by trees. Helga glanced around and saw no one, not even zoo staff coming in or out of the area and stealthily as she could made her way towards whatever animal enclosure had been tucked out of the public view. As far as she could see, the zoo hadn't even put in a sign to indicate what she was heading towards, and so she figured from that people generally didn't go back here purely because they thought the exhibit was closed or simply forgot that it was there at all; she felt a momentary sense of empathy with whatever animals lived back here. She didn't dwell on it of course. She only wanted to get away from Stella, Miriam, and if she didn't know what it was like to be literally lost in the jungle she figured hiding back here could have been a close second. Sighing, Helga tried to cope with her feelings as she always did, with a melodramatic monologue to herself.

"Caught between a mother who wants nothing to do with me, and a mother who isn't even mine and wants to fix me. Now they all conspire against me… plotting and scheming to shape me into the Helga they all want for their own agendas. Well to them I say no more!" Helga clenched her fist in defiance. "If I cannot be the perfect daughter, then shall I be nothing to them!"

Caught up in her melodramatic musing, Helga lost herself in her own dramatics and leapt up onto the concrete barrier, posing dramatically as she gave a speech to no one.

"But… dost that mean losing my beloved?" she asked herself as she withdrew her locket from her shirt and began speaking to it, "Oh Arnold, bane of my tortured heart… will I never be good enough for your infuriatingly wonderful family… who despite being one bearded lady short of an escaped carnival sideshow, still make my own family feel about as desirable as the Manson Family by comparison…"

Helga sighed heavily and twirled around on one foot as she stared at Arnold's photo.

"Forgive me my love, but I must go… from today forth, Helga G. Pataki calls no family her own! I'm neither Pataki nor Shortman, I am merely Helga G.! Bound to no one! Nothing! I'm my own person, perfectly capable of taking care mysel-"

In that instance she lost her balance and teetered over, waving her arms wildly and balancing flimsily on one leg she cried out, "Fuh-!"

Helga felt gravity harshly remind her of what a foolish move standing on the barrier had been as she fell down into the enclosure. She must have fallen a full seven or eight feet downwards, but rather than feeling her bones break, instead she felt her fall broken as she landed in a soft pile of shredded grass.

Helga laid perfectly still. She felt no pain, and any embarrassment she might have felt under the eyes of witnesses didn't bother to surface. She had to hand it to herself, she realized she possessed the uncanny ability to be both brilliantly smart and amazingly stupid at the same time, and this time she had outdone herself. Her most emotional and vulnerable moments in past had often been her clumsiest as well, and yet still she had managed to reach Eugene levels of klutziness and bad luck in this case. Unhurt, but somewhat dazed, Helga slowly rose to a seated position as reality slowly and ominously crept back in.

"Of course…" she muttered, "What did I think was going to happen if I-"

Suddenly, she felt a presence, and the sound of a slow rhythmic breathing filled her ears from behind and she sighed.

"Oh good." she sighed, "Of course you'd be in here. I tell ya Brainy, you are something… else."

Too true, he was indeed something else. The moment Helga turned around and saw what had been breathing in her ear she could feel her stomach abruptly sink like a stone in the ocean. The face staring back at her didn't belong to Brainy as she naturally assumed would be the source of any creepy breathing noise from behind her as usual. The only movement she could manage was blinking as she stared back into a disgruntled looking face with a heavy furrowed brow. For all the world it looked like Big Bob to her for a split second, and for once in her life she'd have preferred facing Big Bob to this beast. Helga dared not move a muscle and just stared straight back at the daunting silverback gorilla looking straight at her. Words failed her. She could only think to herself.

_Oh… my… Arnold…_

* * *

**Right, so in this beastly hot Wisconsin summer I've spent a lot of time at the zoo, and the ape house is air conditioned... so as I was watching the gorillas ideas for this story starting forming in my twisted little head. There have been a handful of kids falling into Gorilla enclosure stories to pop up in the news in my lifetime, with varying results... how do you suppose this one will go?**

**Chadwick was partially inspired by a Monty Python skit, several MAD TV skits, and a guy I knew from Texas who lived in France for a long time... resulting in the strangest and most beautifully unique French-Texan accent. Don't even try to imagine what that sounds like, it has to be heard to be believed. **

**Next chapter... Helga goes ape...**


	8. Are You My Mother?

_**When we last left Helga, she was looking death in the face.**_

_**She's dead now.**_

_**Wouldn't that be an awkward way to end things?**_

_**I planned on doing this fic months ago but couldn't think of a good conflict for the story beyond the drama between Helga, Stella and Miriam and I needed some action to drive the story forward. Didn't think it would go like this, but I'm sure having fun with it now...**_

* * *

Chapter 8: Are You My Mother?

For a long minute of quiet, Helga and the gorilla just stared into one another's eyes, neither one of them moving a muscle. As she looked at the very pensive creature's looking face she could only imagine what it must have been thinking, at least she would have wondered if she wasn't preoccupied with her own anxious thoughts, as any small child would understandably feel when face to face with a four hundred pound silverback gorilla.

_Okay… of all the ways I expected I'd die, this didn't make the top ten… um… gorillas… they're uh, very passive creatures… right?_

Without warning, the gargantuan ape opened its gaping maw at her, revealing its enormous sharp canines, as it let out a thunderous roar and sent Helga shrinking back into the pile of grass, vainly trying to hide herself.

"Gah! Why do I ever even listen to teachers at all!?" Helga yelped, and then screamed with the sort of earsplitting deafening volume that could shatter glass.

Her screams echoed across the entire zoological gardens until they fell on a pair of ears that could always hear her anywhere.

"Did you guys hear that?" Arnold asked.

"Hear what?" Miles, Stella and Miriam asked together.

The four of them had been searching for Helga since she'd dashed off into the crowd earlier, but so far had had no luck in finding her. Fear started to clutch at Arnold's heart, knowing an emotionally compromised Helga could be dangerous to herself and others anywhere, but especially so here at the zoo where the number of cataclysmic possibilities just seem to multiply.

"We have to find her." Arnold said urgently.

"We will, son." Miles reassured him, as his tone of voice slipped back into adventurer mode, "We're not losing anybody…"

"She's just upset… Helga's a smart girl, I'm sure she's not going to do anything rash or-" Stella couldn't even finish her sentence with any confidence, "Yeah, we better find her quick… Arnold? Do you have your carrier pigeon?"

"Chester?" Arnold asked as he pulled out his phone, "No… I'll just text her."

"Oh right." Stella said, pulling out her own phone and looking at it in amazement, "I always forget about those things."

Miriam stood by in silence as the Shortmans strategized on how to find her own daughter. Despite her silence, Miriam wasn't disengaged, not this time. In fact she had heard the exact scream Arnold heard, and she could feel something tugging at her, some kind of maternal instinct she rarely felt telling her something was terribly wrong, with one of if not both her girls. She couldn't explain whether it was intuition, or a scream she recognized, but regardless she knew she had to do something.

Just as Miriam instinctively sensed, her younger daughter indeed found herself in a predicament she'd never been in before. At the bottom of the gorilla pen, the massive male silverback had grown quickly agitated by the intruder in its home. Helga knew she tended to have that affect on people, but fortunately most people apart from her own father weren't comparable to an enraged lowland gorilla.

"Help me, Arnold!" Helga cried out in vain, "Help me Monkeyman! Help me… I don't know… Curly!"

Helga closed her eyes and shielded herself as the gorilla beat its chest and barreled towards her. As she braced herself for the sweet embrace of death, she suddenly felt a strong grip from behind her yanking her out of the way of the oncoming silverback. For one brief shining moment she thought she had been saved, but when she opened her eyes she realized she had just dodged one death in exchange for another. Holding her firmly in its arms, another gorilla stared her in the face for a moment as utter shock now paralyzed the human girl. Fear didn't stop her from shooting off her uncontrollable mouth, hower.

"Get your paws off me you dirty ape!" Helga shouted.

This gorilla holding her didn't seem to take offense; fortunately it appeared not to be fluent in English, like most self-respecting apes. Instead it just looked at her with searching eyes and held her close as it sniffed her. As the silverback just bellowed in anger, the one holding Helga just ignored him and poked at Helga curiously.

"Hey!" Helga shouted, "Hands to yourself, bucko! Do you see me pawing you?"

The gorilla, apparently a female, made a face not unlike a human on the verge of laughter would as she continued to poke at Helga almost playfully. The male silverback just stared at the two of them with a dour expression, apparently somewhat calmed now by the female's reaction to the human intruder. Helga however just swatted the offending gorilla's hand away and growled.

"Quit it!" Helga snapped, but quickly counted her blessings as she realized that her situation had gone from dire to just annoying.

Suddenly Helga felt something vibrating in her pocket, and like an answer to the prayers she hadn't bothered with, or had the presence of mind for in her situation, she saw her lifeline. She discretely slipped her hand into her pocket and withdrew her phone, and her heart soared when she saw Arnold's text reading: helga? where are you? please answer.

The gorilla still had her arms wrapped around Helga, but using her free hand she just managed to type the response: Arnold! I'm in the g

Before she could type any further she felt her phone being yanked from her hand.

"Hey!" Helga shouted, "That's mine, you big palooka!"

The gorilla held the phone like the shiny object it was to her and pressed at the screen. Helga grimaced as she could only imagine what her text would end up looking like on the receiving end. The situation went from bad to terrible instantly as the female gorilla, apparently bored with the device simply dropped it, and Helga watched helplessly as it tumbled down towards the big silverback, who grabbed it and looked at it with interest. One one hand, the phone seemed to pacify him, on the other hand… he had her phone!

Before Helga had time to dwell on her lost lifeline, without warning the female gorilla pulled her into a tight embrace as it made gentle cooing sounds and rocked her back and forth. Helga glanced back and forth between the friendly ape holding her, and the more grim one pawing at her phone and realized she wasn't in a position to bargain. As Helga watched the silverback sit down near the pile of grass she had landed in earlier, she felt a pair of large fingers now pulling at her. Helga closed her eyes, wincing as the ape started to pluck at her head. She opened one eye and saw it picking something small out of her hair and popping whatever it was into its mouth. Of course, it could only be one thing the gorilla was repeatedly plucking from her head.

"Alright." Helga said, "Didn't realize just how many bugs lived on my head… but I'd like to think they weren't there till I got here."

The ape holding her just continued to groom her newfound human plaything, and when it at last stopped the process Helga gently tried to wriggle out of its grasp.

"Right then… thank you for the flea and tick check, if you don't mind I'll just be moving along now…"

As Helga surveyed the enclosure however, she didn't see a clear way out. The pen was built to keep these creatures in after all, and she knew if they couldn't climb out then she definitely had no chance. Glancing back over at the silverback, which was still glowering in their direction she felt oddly safe right where she was, relatively speaking.

"Or I guess I could just hang out here for a little while…" she sighed.

The female gorilla once again wrapped its massive limbs around Helga and squeezed her in what she likely meant to be a loving embrace, but to Helga just felt almost crushingly uncomfortable.

"Look, just ease up on the hugging would you?" Helga said, but then she shook her head and groaned, "Why am I speaking English to a great ape… wait… maybe you're one of those gorillas that know sign language? Perfect, all I gotta do is… learn sign language." Helga's face sank as her plan failed before it had a chance to take off, "Crud."

Sulking in the arms of an ape, Helga sat and pondered the life decisions that had brought her to this point as her host continued to pull bugs out of her hair.

With their rendezvous point set back at the entrance of the zoo if they got separated, the search party methodically tried to cover the whole park to find Helga. Miles and Arnold were searching the crowds as Miriam and Stella tried to find a security guard or zookeeper for help. Helga had run off deeper into the zoo and away from the exit, so they all figured she was still somewhere within the gardens, hopefully. There was little room for doubt that the scream he'd heard had been Helga's, but of course a loud scream from Helga could mean anything from the end of the world to a stubbed toe, so Arnold tried not to worry too much just yet. As he thought about that, Arnold suddenly felt his phone vibrate, and without missing a beat he pulled it out and saw Helga had returned his message.

"She get back to you?" his father asked.

"Yeah." Arnold said with relief, which quickly turned to confusion.

"What did she say?" Miles asked.

"Arnold I'm in the gorschnorkusplaz." Arnold read.

Miles looked at his son and scratched his head, "Is that… something the kids all know about that I'm behind on?"

"Not this time…" Arnold said, "I'm as lost as you." He paused as more messages started to come from Helga, "She goes on to say nbvghjkm, wefumoamnf, trewaqmuip aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. And it goes on from there…"

"Is that code for something? Or is she… what do the kids call it, trolling us?" Miles asked.

"That wouldn't surprise me…" Arnold said, "But this… this isn't really her style. She's too good of a writer for gibberish… she usually communicates in well crafted insults."

"Butt texting?" Miles asked. "It's definitely not any ancient language I know…"

Arnold shrugged, "Whatever it is it's not helping us find her. The zoo closes at four on Sundays." he noted as he looked at his watch, "We don't have much time."

"She'll just have to leave with everyone else if it closes." Miles said, "Wait… are we sure she didn't just leave?"

"I don't think so." Arnold said, trusting in his instinctive nature, "I think she's upset because she's feeling caught between our house and hers… and right now I don't think she feels like she can go to either one, so she has nowhere to go really."

Miles nodded, "Okay… I guess that makes sense."

The two of them scanned the crowds, hoping to catch some glimpse of pink but of all the girls in sight, Helga was not among them. Arnold's face turned slightly smug for a moment and he he smiled as another thought came to him.

"Plus, Helga may be upset but I don't think she'd stray too far… from me." Arnold mused.

Miles gave his son a look.

"As long as I can remember, she's always been around…" Arnold said, "I just didn't know why until… well, you know."

Miles tussled his son's hair, "I like to think you got that from me. We might not be irresistible to most women, but to that one special one…"

"She's one of a kind…" Arnold said, "Come on, let's go check the reptile house. I think she likes it there."

Miriam and Stella meanwhile had come across the same uptight zoo security guard they kept running afoul of, and for the first time today they were eager to speak with him.

"Her name is Helga, she's twelve, wears a pink jumper, blonde, wears her hair in pigtails that kind of stick out horizontally…" Stella described the missing girl to the guard.

"Sounds like trouble…" he said accusingly, "Especially if she's anything like you."

Stella frowned and asked, "Why would you just assume she'd-"

"I can smell a trouble maker just by the description… but don't worry. We'll find your daughter ma'am, before she harms any of the animals…"

"She's not my daughter," Stella said, and gestured to Miriam, "She's hers."

Before Miriam could say anything, Miles and Arnold returned to the group and shrugged their shoulders.

"She wasn't in the reptile house." Arnold said.

"And we've got a pretty long list of other places to search still." Miles said.

"Look, the zoo closes in half an hour." the guard said, "Everyone here will have to just leave the way they came in, so just wait by the entrance."

Arnold knew that sort of conventional thinking just didn't apply to Helga. To most people Helga's skin appeared uncuttable by Occam's Razor, and Arnold had been in that camp for years, but dating her had given him a unique understanding of the girl only surpassed by her best friend Phoebe, and he was used to playing detective so he figured he might be able to determine her whereabouts. The scream he'd heard earlier and the cryptic texts raised enough red flags in his mind to know something was very wrong. He knew that in an emotionally compromised state she'd either hide somewhere and monologue to herself about her feelings, or do something incredibly reckless.

"If I were Helga, where would I be…" Arnold asked himself, and as he tried to put the pieces together something dawned on him, "Probably exactly where I shouldn't be. Mister? You said when we came in there were closed exhibits?"

The security guard looked at Arnold sternly, "Just the world of wallabies and the gorilla paddock. The wallabies won't be here until August and the gorillas have been too upset for public viewing."

"Upset?" Stella asked, "What do the gorillas have to be upset about?"  
"I dunno, I'm just security ma'am." the guard said, "Must be that high gorilla infant mortality thing the zookeepers keep talking about."

Arnold's eyes went wide as an ominous possibility entered into his mind. He looked back at his phone and read Helga's first text before she apparently went illiterate.

"Arnold I'm in the gorschnorkusplaz…" he read again. Normally a calm and rationally minded kid, Arnold immediately made the jump to the worst case scenario. Had she tried to type something else starting with 'gor' only to be interrupted?

"Guys…" Arnold said apprehensively, "I think I might know where she is…"

Back in the gorilla habitat, still trapped in the ape's embrace Helga dared not try to escape as it gently rocked her back and forth. Helga spoke to herself, as if journaling in a non existent journal.

"Dear life in this gorilla troop, it would appear that after mere minutes I've been accepted into the fold. Goody. Just what I always wanted. Having observed these magnificent animals up close for a good fifteen minutes I think I may have stumbled onto the scientific discovery of the century…" she sniffed the air, "That gorillas are smelly… one of them holds me tight like I'm her freaking doll or something…"

The gorilla pulled the bow from Helga's hair and tasted it.

"She now uses my bow to floss her gross yellow teeth…" Helga groaned.

The gorilla laughed and started to rock Helga back and forth again, in a manner Helga could only describe as lovingly.

At first she had assumed the gorilla thought of her as some kind of play toy, but now as she felt herself oddly soothed by the gentle rhythmic cooing the ape was emitting, an uncomfortable realization came over Helga. She wasn't this gorilla's plaything, rather through its maternal eyes Helga was her child. Helga let that thought sink in for a moment, but decided it was still preferable to being clobbered by the disgruntled silverback. Only slightly.

"This is really not where I expected I'd end up this morning…" Helga said.

As if sensing the girl's embarrassment and discomfort, the silverback started to laugh with a loud low 'oo oo' noise.

"Aw, shove it!" Helga shook her free fist in his direction, but quickly stopped as she didn't want to provoke him further. She turned her attention back to the would-be mother gorilla and tried to protest again.

"Look, I've just gone from one mom to another and burned both those bridges, and I really wasn't on the market for another mother figure right now…" Helga said pointlessly.

The mother gorilla just sniffed at her again and hugged her even tighter.

"Okay… if I get out of this alive I'm definitely never complaining about not getting enough attention from Miriam again…" she muttered. "Nope, if I get out of this I'm on my own; solo, unchaperoned, my own woman. I don't need my mom, Stella, or…" She looked at the smiling gorilla and tried to think of a name, "… um, I guess we'll call you… Momo…" She glanced down at the silverback who was now angrily hitting her phone. Reminded of Big Bob again Helga grinned, "And Big Bobo… so have you two known each other long?"

Helga couldn't believe she was still trying to talk to ape, now dubbed Momo, but the creature still appeared amused as it continued to sniff her.

"Things I learned at the zoo… I smell like a baby gorilla. Great." Helga groaned. "Wake up, Momo! I may smell like you, but I don't look a thing like you! I'm not your baby, I'm a human girl! Now let me outta here!"

Helga struggled again, and this time Momo actually let her loose. For one brief moment Helga felt ready to fly out of this place, but realized she had no way of getting out. Worse, she looked over towards Big Bobo who was looking at her threateningly again. Sighing with sad resignation, Helga sat back down on Momo's lap, the second last place she wanted to be, but also the only safe place the moment. Momo again wrapped her arms around Helga and started to gently rock back and forth. Big Bobo grunted disapprovingly in their direction but Momo just grunted back at him, prompting him to just go back to chewing on some grass and sulking.

"But then that does feel uh… kinda nice…" Helga said tentatively, "And this is how low I've sunk… I can't handle Miriam or Stella as a mom and so… the next best option is gorilla foster care? Criminey…"

Momo again seemed to laugh in her face, not mockingly but so warmly that it felt infectious to Helga, though she hoped the infectiousness wasn't another form of monkeynucleosis. While the gorilla perhaps didn't understand what Helga was saying she at least seeming to tune in with her emotionally, and Helga actually felt strangely comforted.

"Sorry, I don't mean to unload my problems on you… you've clearly got your hands full with that roommate of yours." Helga pointed a thumb over at the surly silverback, "Or, I dunno… I assume he's your husband? Seems like a real blowhard… but still, you sure know how to put him in his place, huh?"

Momo cooed again, as if singing a gorilla lullaby as she stroked Helga's hair in an oddly comforting way. Helga had already felt tired just from walking around the zoo in the warm sun, and now all the excitement of being inches from death followed by being essentially adopted by a mother gorilla compounded on her and she could feel herself drifting off.

"This has been an odd day…" Helga yawned as she slowly drifted off to sleep in Momo's comforting arms.

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_**Deleted scene, Monkeyman answers Helga's call for help but he says, "That's a great ape… sorry, ma'am but Monkeyman doesn't deal in great apes, Monkeyman!"**_

_**Things actually turned out not so bad for Helga amongst her newfound family. I wonder what could screw it up… a clue? Rhymes with bad prick…**_


	9. Nightmare to Nightmare

**_So part of what spurred the whole gorilla story here was one silverback gorilla in particular at the Milwaukee Zoo named Maji Maji. He's actually small for a silverback (still massive…) but his unique facial features give him the appearance of a permanent scowl with a heavy furrowed brow. With most gorillas you can't really see the whites of their eyes… but you can on this guy, and it gives his face a very human quality when he looks at you. So yeah… I was standing there watching him thinking of what to do with this story, when he glared at me and I immediately thought of Big Bob… and by extension Helga, so then all this crap happened. _**

**_Were this a cartoon, imagine Big Bobo is drawn to look like a gorilla with Big Bob's face, and Chadwick looks like a buffer, bronzer, blonder Ronnie Matthews. The latter isn't important, but that's just how I envision him._**

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Chapter 9: Nightmare to Nightmare

When Helga slowly opened her eyes again, she found herself in a familiar setting; surrounded by green walls dotted with little yellow hearts, she lay atop a large blue sheeted bed with a familiar pink quilt covering her. Decorative hearts covered the entire room, from the handles on the wardrobe to the ones on the bedside table, and as she looked up at the heart shaped metal frame of the bed just behind her she smiled. This dwelling reflected the heart and soul of a lover; someone who hid her heart away from the rest of the world within these walls, and yet here she could freely express her unbound bottomless capacity as a deeply loving person. She was home; not at the Sunset Arms and not at Big Bob's Beepers, but she was truly home again, back in the room she once called her own, in a beautiful townhouse with all the comforts she could want. With a long contented sigh of relief, she hopped out of bed and trotted over to the window, glancing outside at a solid glowing white light.

"My sanctuary…" She sighed contentedly, "The one place in the world I can ever truly be Helga… unfettered by confused rage and resentment towards the world."

A shadow in the window appeared; a distinct oblong shape Helga would know anywhere. As she looked at it Helga could feel a sense of true serenity and peace for one of a few times in her life, nearly rivaling the sense of pure bliss she once felt upon sharing her first kiss with her beloved Arnold. She felt safe; safe enough to drop her guard and perhaps even share her hidden kind nature with any soul who needed it.

"My beloved, you have taught me well…" she mused, "I can feel my small heart, once three and a half sizes too small hath grown four sizes in your mere presence, ready to burst through its fleshy prison and shine forth into the world! The radiant light from your heart has purified my own, and now united together we might let our warm hearts illuminate this cold dark world. I dare say that with my brains and your beauty we could take on the whole city, with my brains and your brains we could rule the world… and with my beauty and your beauty… we can conquer the universe…" She swooned at the thought. She had only the best intentions with regard to conquering the universe of course; a pity people always assumed the worst whenever anyone expressed a desire for world domination.

Helga clasped her hands together, feeling her spirits soar as she found herself renewed, and ready to finally be the person she had always wanted to be.

Breaking the serene silence, suddenly a thunderous voice echoed through the hallways and up into Helga's room. With a start, Helga glanced at her door as the monstrous voice berated an unseen person.

"What do you mean the TV's broke? What is it about this house? Everything's always going wrong at the worst possible time!" the voice bellowed, with raw unchecked anger that sent a chill up Helga's backside. The fear that it inspired in her yielded to her more valorous impulse to now bring light to the world. Clenching up her fists, Helga stomped towards her bedroom door and opened it, to reveal a dark cavernous void on the other side. She could see only a stairway leading downwards from it into the bleak nothingness below.

"Screw your courage to the sticking place… whatever that may mean." Helga goaded herself, and down the stairs she ran.

The stairs just seemed to extend infinitely downward, but as Helga ran towards the source of the voice it grew slowly louder as it pounded against her eardrums.

"What do you mean 'how did that happen?'" the voice bellowed accusingly.

Wrapped in darkness, Helga could feel her glowing heart pounding, keeping her small world just barely illuminated enough to see the stairs before her.

"You better not screw this up!" the voice shouted, sounding very concerned for itself and not for whoever it was chastising.

"It's best parent day, not screw everything up day!"

Now Helga knew the source of the voice. Her blustery ogre of a father had just ridden over everyone in his path as long as Helga could remember, and her own mother most often found herself steamrolled by him and his fits of temper.

"Criminey! What the heck is wrong with you? Can't you do anything right?"

Yep. It had to be Miriam he was talking too. Helga knew if anyone in the Pataki household could be labeled as the screwup, it'd be her mother. Forgetting everything from feeding her own daughter to missing her appointments, Miriam had given Helga next to no reason to trust her even after she had made occasional steps in the right direction. But those were baby steps, and for every two or three steps forward Miriam took towards easing off on her smoothie habit or making an effort to be there for her young daughter, she almost always stumbled another five or six feet backwards in little time. Helga had just about had it with her, and yet with this newfound vigor and desire to emulate Arnold's more pure-hearted nobility, she figured she'd have to step in and tell Big Bob to back down.

"Face it, Miriam, you're a lousy mom!" Bob's voice said.

Something felt strange about his words this time, though Helga couldn't place a finger on what. Finally she saw a small illuminated doorway as she reached the bottom of the seemingly endless stairs. Not endless anymore, Helga stumbled down the last twenty or so, somersaulting her way down the stairs as she tripped gracelessly, and yet didn't feel at all hurt as she leapt back up onto her feet and made her way to the doorway. She could just make out the familiar trophy room, with shining symbols of Olga's countless victories in life spanning as far as the eye could see. Helga tentatively poked her head through the doorway, and there on the floor lay her mother, looking despondent and broken. Helga frowned at the sight of her; she was disgusted by Miriam's scatterbrained dottiness and yet she had to pity her, knowing a lot of what broke her spirit stemmed from her marriage to Big Bob. Helga sighed and walked into the room to face her father, but stopped in her tracks when she beheld a shocking sight she hadn't prepared for.

It hadn't been Bob yelling at Miriam at all. It may have sounded like Big Bob, but the source of the voice was much smaller than Helga had expected. Standing over Miriam, someone in a pink dress with long blonde pigtails sticking out of the sides of her head waved her arms angrily and bellowed in fury.

"Look at you! You're pathetic!" the girl shouted, still with Big Bob's distinct voice, "Just a complete waste of space! I don't know why I even put up with you!"

Miriam appeared to be faintly murmuring, and limply reaching out her hand as if reaching for something.

"Oh, can't even reach the blender, huh?" the Bob-voiced Helga taunted, "That's it. Your one last talent on earth, and you can't even do that anymore!"

"Help…" Miriam finally managed, "I… need…"

"Ah shove it, ya limp noodle." the phantasm of Helga shouted dismissively, and then abruptly snapped its head in Helga's direction.

"You're not… me." Helga uttered.

"Sure I am, what are you talking about?" the imposter huffed.

"You're not me!" Helga repeated, "Mom? Don't listen to her… him… whatever… I'm the real me!"

The other Helga laughed cruelly, "Real you? Please. You're the fake one; all mushy and sensitive and crap. The real you is a blustery ogre in a dress."

Helga frowned as she protested, "No… I'm not that Helga anymore. Maybe it looks like that sometimes but… but what's in my heart is purer than what comes out of my mouth." she said, though with little confidence.

"Oh yeah?" the double asked, and as if from nowhere produced a hand mirror. "Have a look."

Helga reacted with horror as she looked in the mirror, only to be greeted not by her usual reflection, but by the face of her father Big Bob Pataki glowering back at her.

"No!" Helga dropped the mirror and stumbled backwards, "That's not who I am! I… I want to be someone else… I want to be a… a Shortman!"

"Well tough tipple, you're a Pataki!" the other Helga bellowed, "And that's all you'll ever be!"

As she continued to step backwards, Helga suddenly tripped and fell backwards, out of the doorway and into the bleak abyss behind her. Where once had been a floor was now nothing, and she fell into nothingness.

Outside of her mind, Helga shuddered, but didn't wake up. Still snuggled up in the arms of the gorilla she had dubbed 'Momo', Helga sniffled sadly in her sleep. Sensing the girl's despair, Momo patted the girl's head comfortingly, unaware they were now both being watched from above by two pairs of prying human eyes.

Chadwick stared down into the circular concrete enclosure that housed the two lowland gorillas. This area had been closed off to the public for some time, and only the handlers and trainers were allowed back here. Technically Chadwick himself wasn't supposed to be back here without a full fledged zookeeper, buthe didn't operate by human rules and obeyed his own law of the jungle. Standing with him was a young woman he had charmed in his incomparable way, and now he hoped to impress her further.

"There they are…" he pointed to the silverback, "The lowland mountain gorilla; nature's finest killers… the most deadly and violent beast on the face of this planet. Once you have stared one in the face… we shall see what mother nature's decision will be."

"Should we even be back here?" Olga asked pointedly.

"Were you any other unworthy zoo pedestrian… which you are currently, then no." Chadwick said, "But you have been blessed with the presence of one of nature's greatest wonders, who will now show you one of nature's greatest atrocities…"

"Great, I can't wait…" Olga said, with much of her earlier enthusiasm lost.

Chadwick seemed to sense this and he gave her a stern look as he flexed his pectorals noticeably.

"The wolf in my soul did not circle you like a moose only to see that unquenchable longing in your eyes wither and die like a possum," he sighed, "Perhaps I have come on too strong… I must never forget how overwhelming this buck can be to the doe…"

Perhaps it was one metaphor or simile too many, but Olga somehow felt guilty now, with a need to reassure Chadwick and lift his apparently dampened spirit.

"Oh… don't blame yourself." she said.

"I wasn't. I was blaming you." Chadwick said curtly, "But it is not your fault that even though nature herself has endowed you with many gifts, your gifts are still… only human."

Chadwick's bizarre negging did the trick, and sent Olga straight back into subserviently seeking his approval.

"Then how can I prove my worthiness to you and your noble way of life?" she asked.

"Here you are, my sultry sea lioness. See things as the birds do; through a pair of high definition binoculars from NASA. You must look on them, and nature herself will judge you…" he said as he handed her his binocs. Olga grabbed them and raised them to her eyes excitedly, without realizing they were still hanging from the back of Chadwick's neck, thus pulling him towards her. Chadwick didn't seem remotely bothered by this, and if anything just bursted with pleasure at the thrill of being held so physically close to Olga.

"Oh…" Olga said adoringly, "Doesn't it look so sweet? Look, it even has a little pink dolly…"

"Sweet?" Chadwick repeated in slight surprise, as he held his head close to Olga's chest, "So you see through the monstrous exterior… impressive. Yes, at the heart of every mighty gorilla beats the heart of a little girl, and visa versa…" suddenly he stopped in his musing and a look of genuine confusion came over him, "Funny… I did not know the gorillas had a little pinky dolly… oh well, not important."

"Wait…" Olga said as she leaned forward, now causing the binocular strap to choke Chadwick.

"Ack!" he gasped, "Olga, my dear… you are infringing… upon my… ability to… consume the delicious air, enriched by the scent of your-"

"HELGA!" Olga screeched suddenly.

"Wholga?" Chadwick retched as he fought for breath.

Olga returned the binoculars to his eye level and released him from the unintentional chokehold she had on him.

"My baby sister!" Olga pointed.

Not bothering with the binoculars, Chadwick threw them aside and wrapped his arms around Olga's waist in his delight.

"You… think it is your baby sister?" he asked, "Success! If you can call these hideous beasts your family then we-"

"Chadwick!" Olga wailed, "One of them has my human sister, Helga!"

"That other beastly little creature I found you with? Oh no, that is quite impossible, I assure you." Chadwick dismissed her, "No one may enter this area of the zoo, unless guided by a seasoned-"

"But I can see her with my own eyes!" Olga pleaded.

"My dear…" Chadwick shook his head, "I feel as though I have been stabbed through my outstandingly testosteronic torso and into the hunky heart… that you would believe your own two beautiful eyes over my own beautiful me!"

"Look!" Olga rammed the binoculars right into Chadwick's eyes and pointed his head in Helga's direction. Sure enough, Chadwick saw the small human girl resting in the grasp of an enormous gorilla. In a flash his entire eccentric performance evaporated into panic.

"Uh… uh… uh… oh um," Chadwick stuttered, losing his exotic and thoroughly manufactured accent, "Well this is uh…"

"Helga! Don't move! I'm coming for you!" Olga declared, and by pure impulse tried to climb over the barrier.

Chadwick grabbed Olga by her arm and restrained her from trying to climb into the enclosure, and through a forcibly awkward smile he chuckled uncomfortably as he tried to turn the act on again.

"No!" he shouted, "Um… it is far too dangerous! They would devour you like the delicious treat that you are!"

"But my sister!" Olga wailed. "Someone has to do something! Chadwick, you're-"

"Assistant Zookeeper Trainee!" he shouted.

"Yes, that's what I was going to say!" Olga shot back, "And as the assistant zookeeper trainee you have to do something!"

As the gravity of the situation at last dropped on Chadwick like an elephant, he twiddled his fingers for a moment, but then coughed into his hand and tried to maintain his picture of invincible virility. More concerned with keeping Olga's attention on him than he was with the well-being of her sister, he did at least see a way to bridge the gap between the two issues.

"Yes… yes I must do… something. Alas the day… would only there was some sophisticated manner of communicating with these mindless beasts." Chadwick sighed.

"If I remember correctly from my psychology and anthropology courses at Bennington-" Olga tried to say.

"There is no time for textbook theory!" Chadwick shouted, and in his increasingly hysterical state, he reached down into his enormous hiking backpack, frantically searching for something that could help them. As the two of them panicked they failed to notice the the gorilla holding Helga showed no hostility, nor any sign of interest in their shouting and carrying on. Instead, the much larger male silverback was staring up and them and starting to show signs of agitation and anxiety.

And then things went from potentially bad to exceptionally bad as Chadwick found a black box buried at the bottom of his backpack, which he opened and eagerly began assembling metallic pieces inside as Olga, with her hands clasped together in fear turned her attention back to her sister.

"How could this have happened?" Olga wailed, "She always seemed sensible enough not to talk to strange apes!"

"Do not blame her…" Chadwick said, "She lacks the kind of divine animalistic enlightenment that has been thrust upon you in the form of me… until now!"

Olga gasped in shock when she saw Chadwick staring through the scope of the crossbow he had assembled, with a more than slightly crazed look on his face.

"But…" Olga protested, "But I thought you loved animals?"

"I love animals, yes. And sometimes when you love something, you must destroy it." Chadwick insisted, "Fortunately these are but sleep inducing bolts of love that will send the monster into a peaceful slumber."

Olga looked back and forth between Chadwick and Helga, and knowing how limited her options were, she still couldn't get onboard with this one.

"Wait, you might hit Helga-" Olga whined but to no avail as Chadwick interrupted.

"Worry not, I will save your most unattractive human sister from the beast!" he cried out, "May Zeus's hand guide my aim!"

And then with a tentative squeeze of the tigger, Chadwick took his shot at the gorilla holding onto the sister of his prized beauty. In the blink of an eye, the dart found its mark and hit the animal.

"I… I did it." Chadwick said in disbelief, "I actually hit something! Now for the other one just to be safe…" He reached into the box and fumbled around with searching fingers.

Meanwhile in the enclosure below, sleeping peacefully in Momo's arms Helga suddenly felt a violent jerk snap her out of her sleep.

"Huh?" Helga groaned, "What the-"

Helga turned her head and saw Momo making an odd face as her eyes rolled back into her head and she keeled over. Helga gasped when she saw the dart sticking out of Momo's shoulder and she abruptly panicked.

"Momo?" Helga urged, "Momo!"

Helga stood up and started to shake her temporary caretaker, but got no response as Momo just lay unconscious. The dart had quickly done its work, and now Helga glanced around frantically, unsure of what was happening, but as she looked upward she could see her sister waving her arms frantically. Standing at her side was the weirdo zookeeper she had gone off with earlier, but Helga didn't really care about him right now.

"Olga!" Helga shouted, "Never thought I'd be happy to see you again!"

As the excitement quickly wore off, Helga realized exactly what her would-be rescuers had really just done. She looked at the unconscious Momo, and felt a rush of anger overtake her.

"What did you do?" Helga shouted up at them, "That was the nice one, you chuckleheads! Now it's just me and… and…"

Helga stopped as she felt another pair of hostile eyes on her. She slowly turned her head and saw Big Bobo staring at her and the unconscious Momo and her heart sank. Bobo stared at them, unable to comprehend what had really happened, and Helga realized his gorilla interpretation of what had just happened to Momo made the human girl look like the guilty party.

"Um…" Helga chuckled uncomfortably, "I uh… didn't do it."

Upset and confused, Big Bobo roared in anger once again, and Helga abruptly feared for her life again, having lost her protector, and worse having that protector's mate wrongly believing that she had harmed her.

"Oh… no, no this isn't what it looks like." Helga forced herself to smile through her terror, but it did no good. This time she just gave into fear and started running as fast as her legs could carry her. Bobo beat his chest as he set off in pursuit of the human interloper as Olga screamed in a panic.

"Chadwick!" she said, pointing at the charging silverback, "What about that one?"

"Um…" Chadwick said awkwardly, "It appears that was the… only dart in this kit…"

"What!?" Olga bellowed in his face, now sounding more like her father than she ever had before, "Then what are you doing to do now?"

The two of them looked downwards at the gorilla chasing Helga in a circle around the cement barrier of the enclosure. Helga had tapped into her inner olympic sprinter and was staying well ahead of the large animal, but likely couldn't keep it up for long.

"It's all right! Don't panic! I am a semi professional!" Chadwick shouted, noticeably beginning to panic, "I'll… I'll dangle the meat in front of him and draw his attention off the girl!"

"I don't think Gorillas actually eat meat…" Olga said.

"I'm the assistant zookeeper trainee!" he declared, "I think I know a little more about the animals than you! Ever seen the teeth on those things?"

Chadwick had lost his cool, and with it went his bizarre fake accent. He then reached into his backpack and pulled out a large ham hock tied to a rope.

"Why did you have that in-" Olga attempted to ask.

"I must now sacrifice my lunch to this most unworthy cause…" he sighed.

Swinging it around in a circle, he cast the meat downwards into the enclosure and right into the path of the the agitated silverback. Bobo stopped for a moment and stared at it as if looking at a pendulum, while Helga scrambled away looking for cover. Sniffing it for a moment, Bobo made a grab for the hock.

"See?" the proud assistant zookeeper trainee said smugly, "Now he'll-"

With a loud annoyed grunt, the gorilla yanked the meat and pulled the rope out of the zookeeper's hand, and then just threw the ham aside and returned his attention to the intruder in his pen.

"Did the zoo hire you directly out of the skookum house!?" Helga shouted up at Chadwick as she continued to run for her life.

"Oh no…" Olga said in terror, "We… we have to go in there! Together we can-"

Chadwick awkwardly tugged at his shirt collar and said, "I don't think we could-"

Olga seized him by the scruff of his shirt and with the kind of strength she didn't even realize she had until this moment pulled him close. She gritted her teeth as her eyes bored into Chadwick's, striking fear into his heart with all the ferocity she had inherited from her father.

"Are you a man? Or a mouse?" Olga roared in his face.

"A mouse…" Chadwick replied limply, just as his eyes rolled back into his skull and he keeled over backwards, letting out a feeble whimper as he fainted. Olga's small dose of intimidation had shattered the facade of Chadwick's overtly virile performance, and now she was on her own. Not even bothering with the sham of a zookeeper anymore, Olga turned her attention back to the pen where Helga was still running in a circle along the edge of the paddock. Clenching up her fists, she mustered enough courage to do the inadvisable. Before she could climb over the enclosure however, she heard a pair of frantic voices crying out from behind her.

"Olga!" she heard Stella and her own mother's voice shouting simultaneously. Olga whirled around and saw the aforementioned women, Miles and Arnold running towards her.

"What are you doing!?" Stella shouted. "Are you trying to get yourself-"

"Helga's down there!" Olga cried.

"No!" Arnold cried out as he ran to the enclosure and peered over the edge, and sure enough he beheld the frightening scene below.

Stella reacted similarly, but looked to her husband as the two of them quickly tried to devise a plan of action. Miriam meanwhile just froze in complete shock and terror, as Olga ran over to her and wrapped her arms around her.

"Miles… we've got to do something…" Stella said.

Looking downwards, Miles spotted a large tree branch hanging just over a small gorge, and saw an opportunity as Helga came running straight towards it.

"Alright, mo one panic, I'm an anthropologist! I've got the situation under control!" Miles insisted, then shouted down to Helga, "Helga? Don't worry, I'm coming for you!"

"Oh great, now the anthropologist can anthropologize!" Helga huffed as she headed for the gorge.

Miles dug into his hiking backpack and retrieved his bullwhip that his mother packed him. He looked at it fondly for a split second, but not having time to dwell on memories he quickly returned his attention down to the enclosure where Helga was still outrunning the silverback, leading him around in circles around the pen.

"I'll just swing on down and grab her…" Miles said as he twisted the whip into a loop.

"Miles…" Stella said in slight concern. "Sure you're not out of practice?"

"It's like riding a bike, you never forget!" Miles insisted, and then with expert precision, Miles demonstrated his unimpaired skill with a whip by flinging it at a tree branch below. The whip shot out and wrapped around the branch with a deafening snap. The sound caused the charging silverback to recoil for just a moment, and Helga kept running towards the gorge.

"Perfect!" Miles exclaimed.

"Dad…?" Arnold raised his concern.

Miles abruptly realized that while the whip had found its mark, tragically he'd let the thing fly out of his hand. Now his whip, still attached to the tree branch just dangled uselessly in the air over the gorge.

"Oops…" Miles said sheepishly, "Guess I forgot to uh, follow through…"

His effort hadn't been a complete waste at least. Acting quickly, Helga jumped over the ledge and grabbed onto the whip. Using her forward momentum she swung to the other side of the gorge as Big Bobo approached. Now she stood on the opposite side holding the whip and looking at an increasingly frustrated great ape.

"Don't try to use it, Helga!" Stella called out, "You'll hurt yourself!"

"Yeah, sure. Thanks." Helga said as Big Bobo kept roaring in anger at her, while trying to figure out how to reach her.

"We have to do something!" Arnold urged.

For once in their lives, Miles and Stella who had always been the type of people to jump into any situation to help looked to be at a loss. Miriam meanwhile, who had been frozen in fear up until this moment glanced inside Miles's backpack and saw the lassos that Gertrude had packed. Her little girl Helga was in danger, and she refused to stand idly by and let her suffer anymore. Acting on the purest of maternal instincts she possessed, Miriam grabbed for one of the ropes and suddenly announced herself to the group with a vengeance.

"I'm coming, Helga!" she shouted, and before anyone could stop her she dove over the edge down into the pen, landing in the huge pile of shredded grass.

"Miriam!" Stella cried out.

"Mommy!" Olga too shouted.

Miriam stood up in a slight daze and fixed her eyes on the gorilla threatening her young daughter. Armed only with a lasso, Miriam steeled herself and marched towards the image of waiting doom.

* * *

**_Okay so… I started to feel bad while writing this… those poor gorillas… at least they're not getting eaten by a monitor lizard. No need to point out animal abuse in the comments, I know… going on cartoon logic here._**

**_I have to give credit to HAFanForever for pointing out an angle to Miriam's frequent avoidance of Helga that I hadn't (and should have) consider. I've said many times that the big tragedy with Helga is that she kind of is her dad in a lot of ways; boorish, rude, insensitive, overbearing etc… and not to say that Miriam right or justified in doing so, but she likely avoids Helga a lot of the time because she actively makes her unhappy the same way Bob does. _**

**_As a kid, whenever watching an episode about Miriam I was kind of shocked at just how mean Helga always was to her… you know, before I realized what was really going on with Miriam I thought she was just kind of a dopey, sleepy, klutz and didn't realize Mr. B Double-O-Z-E figured in. _**

**_Yes, ultimately she's the parent and should be the one to take charge, but Helga isn't completely innocent in all of this either. Miriam has made genuine attempts to bond with her daughter, and Helga just won't let her in most of the time, which while understandable but and I think she's smart enough to realize she needs to make an effort to be a little more sensitive towards her emotionally fragile mother. That was part of what made HA! so brilliant, none of the Patakis are portrayed as completely right or wrong (I mean, Bob is mostly wrong but still), they're all just tragically kind of self-centered and not tuned in to one another's needs. I've had that dream sequence in mind for months now after HAFanForever's comment and I'm so relieved to have finally used it. Helga's conscience catching up to her in dream sequences are some of my favorite scenes in the whole series and between writing those and Helga monologues… man I enjoy writing these… I had no idea freaking lowland gorillas would be involved when I eventually did this story, but hey it fits the whole themes of motherhood and family I've been hammering home. _**

**_Also… interestingly, I went back through the whole series searching for mean, insensitive and emotionally abusive things Bob said to Miriam and… there really weren't all that many, and I found a lot more surprisingly tender moments between the two of them than I remembered. I think there's hope for Bob and Miriam yet…_**

**_Momo is not a reference to Avatar the Last Airbender… Helga named them after 'mom' and 'Big Bob.'_**

**_Oh, and even more thanks to HAFanForever for the story 'Whip Off the Old Block' going into such detail of how to write how a bullwhip works. Helped me out a bit here._**

**_I think I made a small implication that Chadwick is addicted to horse tranquilizers… _**


	10. Things Go Ape

Chapter 10: Things Go Ape

With her back pressed up against the concrete barrier of the enclosure, Helga kept as much physical distance between herself and the enraged Big Bobo as possible. After a failed attempt from Miles to swing down from a nearby branch and grab her, she had at least been armed with a whip, but didn't have any confidence she could use the thing without hurting herself more than the charging ape. The five foot gorge separating them was just enough to keep Bobo cautiously at bay for there was no telling how long that would last. Helga had been so understandably distracted by the raging ape that she failed to notice her mother dropping into the pen out of the gorilla's sight. Now Miriam advanced on Big Bobo armed only with a lasso and a dangerously high level of maternal instinct. Big Bobo still hadn't noticed the woman creeping up from behind him, but Helga at last did and reacted in complete shock.

"Mom?" she gasped, "Mom, what the heck are you doing!?"

Miriam didn't respond with words, but this time with action instead. Twirling the lasso in the air like her former state bull riding champion self, she flung the rope at Big Bobo as the loop circled around him and fastened his massive arms against the sides of his torso. His raging abruptly subsided and he just looked around in his confusion; being tied with rope a completely foreign experience apparently.

"Yep, still got it…" Miriam said to herself in quiet triumph.

"Mom…" Helga called out cautiously, "I uh… appreciate the thought, but-"

"Don't worry, Helga!" Miriam said firmly, "Don't forget, I used to be-"

"State riding champ or whatever, yeah." Helga said dismissively, "Heard it before, but there's one big difference here! That's not a bull, it's a silverback flipping gorilla!"

With that, Big Bobo abruptly overcame his immobilizing state of confusion and turned in Miriam's direction. Roaring in anger, he charged forward at Miriam, who jumped out of his way, still holding onto the rope she quickly found herself being dragged along. Bobo ran clumsily on two legs around the enclosure, trying to shake the woman off but Miriam just held on, trying to slow him down to no avail.

Up above, Miles and Stella watched the scene unfold in complete shock. Miriam's gallant effort to rescue her daughter had them both so awestruck that they failed to notice their bystander syndrome setting in; a sensation completely unfamiliar to both of them and thus one they didn't know how to handle. Unaccustomed to inaction in a dire situation, they both shook their heads and looked at one another.

"We've gotta help." Stella said urgently.

"I know…" Miles agreed, "But what do we- Arnold?"

Suddenly the two parents noticed Arnold and Olga had tied the other two ropes to the edge of the railing and were readying to repel down into the enclosure. Miles and Stella reacted with the same level of horror they hadn't genuinely felt since Arnold used to wander off into danger as a baby.

"Arnold, no!" Miles shouted at his son.

"I can't just stand here and watch! They need our help!" Arnold declared, and before his parents could stop him he shimmied down the rope as Olga followed. Miles and Stella dashed over towards them, but they were too late to stop either of them.

Completely shocked again, Miles and Stella looked at one another with their jaws agape. A sudden and unexpected smile crossed Stella's face in spite of the situation.

"He's a bold kid… he got that from us." she said proudly.

"Yep. No one to blame for that but us." Miles agreed, "Now, come on before he gets himself killed! I'm not a primatologist but I'm the closest we've got to one!"

"That's reassuring." Stella said unconvincingly as she leapt over the side and grabbed a hold of the rope.

Miles likewise vaulted over the side, and with his hands around the rope slid down at a much faster rate than his wife.  
"Ow, ow, ow, ow, rope burn! Rope burn!" He cried out, as he fell down into the enclosure with his usual gracelessness.

As his parents followed down the ropes, Arnold hit the ground running and headed straight for the danger. The gorilla was running around awkwardly with his arms still tied up, dragging Miriam behind him like a waterskier. Arnold waved one of his grandmother's sandwiches around to get the animal's attention.

"Hey!" he shouted, "Over here! Want a sandwich, big guy? Peanut butter and scrod! It's delicious!"

Bobo now came charging towards Arnold, slower on two limbs than four however Arnold easily evaded him. With the Shortmans trying to distract the ape, Olga meanwhile dashed over towards Helga, who was now stuck on her side of the gorge.

"Helga!" Olga shouted, "I'm coming for you!"

Helga just stood staring at the sight of her mother being dragged around by Bobo, not even managing a snarky retort to her sister who came running over towards her.

Miles and Stella reached the bottom of the pit and rushed over to Arnold, putting themselves between him and the danger, as Olga ran straight for the gorge, she held out her hand towards Helga.

"Jump!" she shouted, "I'll catch you, baby sister!"

The gorge was only six or so feet deep, but Helga shook her head furiously and shouted back at Olga in her refusal.

"Sure I'm the one who needs saving? Why don't you jump over here? I think I prefer it on this side! You know? The one without an outraged killer gorilla running around!?"

"Helga, please!" Olga insisted, "Mommy needs our help! She needs all of us!"

Helga's poetic mind had to appreciate the symbolism of this entire ridiculous situation. Here she stood alone on the edge of a literal divide between her and her family, faced with the choice of jumping back into the madness or just stay out of it all. Unexpectedly however, Helga realized she no longer felt conflicted despite the danger; she wasn't helpless and so all she could do was help. Helga clenched up her fist, knowing after that deep dive into her conscious in the form of a dream earlier, she couldn't refuse Olga. And now seeing Miriam bravely putting herself in considerable danger for her sake, Helga's own protective instincts buried deep down kicked in. Helga couldn't hold back a second longer.

"All right…" she said, holding up the whip, "Here, catch!"

Helga threw the whip over to Olga, who caught it, threw it aside, and kept her eye on her sister. Helga backed up slightly, and then rushed forward to launch herself over the edge toward's Olga's waiting hands. Time seemed to stand still for both girls as Helga traveled through the air towards Olga, and then the two sisters felt the strong grip of one another's hands. Olga caught both of Helga's hands in midair, but abruptly lost her balance as she struggled to pull her sister towards her. Helga instead fell straight downwards and pulled Olga with her. Olga hit the ground while still grasping both of Helga's hands in hers, and Helga now dangled over the chasm. Falling to the bottom wouldn't hurt her, but it was still an undesirable place to end up. Helga had committed an irreversible act of trust, and Olga had only let her down slightly this time; a step in the right direction. The young woman now struggled to try to pull her little sister up, apparently struggling to do so.

"You've… grown up so fast… baby sister…" she groaned. "I keep forgetting that you're practically a grown woman now-"

"Criminey, you need to eat a little more red meat, Olga!" Helga shot back. "Or just do a pushup once in a while!"

With a loud grunt and a heavy heave, Olga forced Helga upward and the girl landed right on top of her. Lying in a heap together, they nearly took a moment to appreciate one another, but didn't have the chance when they suddenly heard a voice ringing out.

"Helga! Olga! Look out!" Arnold shouted.

To their horror, they realized Bobo had turned his attention back in their direction and was bounding towards them. The Shortmans all vainly tried to attract his attention but Bobo had his sights set on the kid he wrongly thought had harmed his mate. As Olga held onto her dangling sister the two of them locked eyes and both immediately felt a world of regret between them as their lives flashed before their eyes.

"Told you we shoulda stayed on the other side…" Helga bawled.

"I LOVE YOU, HELGA!" Olga wailed as she wrapped Helga in a tight embrace.

"I'M SOMEWHAT TOLERANT OF YOU, OLGA!" Helga cried out in response.

Suddenly Bobo fell over backwards as Miriam tugged on the rope, apparently tapping into some super human strength in response to both of her girls in mortal danger. Bobo now sat on his rear and glowered at Helga and Olga, but then an authoritative voice suddenly caught his attention. He looked around and saw Miriam, firmly holding onto the rope and tromping towards him with her eyes boring into his. Miriam didn't flinch or show a single sign of fear as she just stared straight into the animal's eyes. To even the most well built alpha humans, facing down an enraged gorilla should inspire pure terror, and Miriam felt no different as she stared into the terrifying face before her. His furrowed brow and grim expression hit a chord with her and reminded her deep down of her everyday life a little too strongly, and now she felt a surge of confidence and strength well up inside her.

"Now you just listen and you listen good, you big blustery blowhard…" Miriam instructed firmly, "You'd better just calm down right now and leave my girls alone, or you're gonna see a side of me that even I'm afraid of… now I'm just gonna take them and leave, and everyone's gonna be happy, got it?"

Miriam didn't blink or break eye contact. Bobo just stared straight back in complete stunned silence by the quiet power in Miriam's eyes and tone of voice.

Helga and Olga similarly just stared at their mother completely aghast, almost unable to comprehend what they were seeing; the sight of Miriam reprimanding an especially blustery gorilla had never even entered their imaginations, but the look in their mother's eyes filled them both with an untold dread the like they had never felt before; the kind of maternal authority that was both awe inspiring and terrifying all at once. They couldn't believe it, but their normally wet blanket of a mother had twisted herself into a whip, and even more unbelievably, Big Bobo just stared back at her with wide eyes as he sat perfectly still and quiet, seemingly tamed by the monument of motherhood staring him down. Helga quietly wondered whether the dream she'd had earlier or her current reality was the less believable scenario, but as she pinched herself realized this at least wasn't a continuation of said dream.

"That's it…" Miriam said, her tone softening, "Yeah, you act all big and tough, but… but you're not so bad, are you? Yeah, you're just a big softie underneath it all, aren't you?"

To the further shock of everyone, Miriam took slow but decisive steps closer and closer to Big Bobo. As she talked to him, Arnold crept over towards the Pataki sisters, and put his arms around Helga in his concern, but the girl scarcely noticed as she stared at her mother, who was smiling! Smiling in Big Bobo's face!

"Um… mom?" Helga asked in concern, but Miriam stepped closer and closer to the confused gorilla.

"Yeah, you're not really all that mean, you're just scared, and you think you have to put on a big show because you're scared of what might happen if people saw that you were a big teddy bear, aren't you? Oh, you just need a little tenderness and love, don't you?"

Bobo blinked, then just laid down in a relaxed posture, now completely subdued and calm again. As Miriam continued to stare down and calm the silverback, Miles, Stella and Arnold came running up behind her to help. Miles grabbed a hold of his whip and gestured for everyone else to stand back, but Miriam refused. Stella rushed towards her and took a hold of Miriam's arm, but Miriam resisted.

"Stay back, Stella. You might be some kinda really impressive and strong role model for my little girl, but she's still _my_ little girl! Maybe I'm not perfect… and maybe I'm not even that fit of a parent but I'm her mother and I love her… and she needs me."

Stella smiled and placed a hand on Miriam's shoulder, pleased that in some roundabout way her original plan of snapping Miriam out of her despondency actually worked, just in a far more dangerous and out of control way than she meant.

"Yes. Yes she does." Stella affirmed.

"And if you think I'm going to just put up with-" Miriam continued to reprimand Stella, but then stopped, "Oh… you agree?"

"Now you're fighting the tiger." Stella said proudly. "I just meant the figurative one… I didn't mean you actually had to literally go and fight a gorilla…"

"You know? It was exhilarating…" Miriam said, sounding a little bit dazed now.

Helga, Olga and Arnold too just stared at Miriam in complete awe, unable to say a word. Their mother had just impossibly tamed a gorilla before their eyes.

"Mom wasn't in the circus too, was she?" Helga asked when she at last reached words again.

"Now let's all just get out of here…" Miles said cautiously. "Suppose we can climb back up the way we came in?"

"Fear not, humans!" another loud voice cried out from above in a dramatic fashion.

All six of them looked upward and could have sworn they all saw Chadwick the assistant zookeeper trainee staring down at them, but after a closer look they all realized this man, while almost identical to him looked a bit older.

"There is nothing to fear but fear, and a four hundred pound gorilla itself! I will have you out of this proverbial lions den before you can say 'Thank you, Zookeeper Zeus!' But you should say it anyway..."

Olga blinked in surprise. So Chadwick really was the son of Zeus, just not quite in the way he had been implying. The others all waved up at him, but as eager as she felt to get out of this enclosure Olga felt this could either be good or spectacularly bad.

* * *

_**HA! is a cartoon world where a Galapagos Tortoise lived underwater and was released into the ocean, pigeons can carry a man to France, Monitor Lizards eat parrots, and panthers can be tamed by Curly, so Gorillas can run on their hind legs, too. Why the hell not.**_

_**What's worse than Chadwick... two of him. I've never met a zookeeper like Zeus or Chadwick… I just thought it would be funny to have another wild and crazy character in the vein of the other weird urban myth characters in Hillwood. Next we'll see how far the apple falls from the tree...**_

_**Favorite and comment! Or none of the characters will survive to the next chapter!**_


	11. Home

_**Well this took longer than I thought it would. Enjoy.**_

* * *

Chapter Eleven: Home

Shaken by the day's events, and now functioning at varying levels of alertness brought on by their near death experience, the Patakis and Shortmans sat together inside of a nondescript room inside of the primate house. Minutes earlier, the zookeeper had let them inside the doorway inside the enclosure and guided them through the underground tunnel where the gorillas moved from their outdoor enclosure to their indoor pen. Now they all sat together, not quite being detained but not exactly free to leave either, given what they had been up to. The zookeeper had left them alone inside of the room together while he presumably was checking that the extent to which the animals had been harmed. Miles and Stella had their arms wrapped around Arnold in comfort, though the boy kept insisting he was fine. The two of them half admonished him for putting himself in danger, but also they couldn't help but partially praise his boldness, as well as his amateur sleuth work that had uncovered Helga's whereabouts in the first place.

After a time, Helga explained to everyone exactly how she'd ended up inside of the gorilla enclosure in the first place, and as she expected Stella responded scoldingly, while Miriam and Olga just sat off to the sidelines looking slightly unsure of themselves.

"Do you realize how lucky you are to be alive? What on earth possessed you to pull a stunt like that in the first place?" Stella demanded.

"Believe me, I've been asking myself what strange forces compel me to do _most_ of the stuff I've done since I was three…" Helga snickered uncomfortably, but saw that Stella's stern expression wasn't letting up. Helga sighed in resignation, "I don't know, I felt cornered! And when I feel cornered I get a lot of crazy weird feelings that I can't handle in the moment, so it makes me a little… overdramatic, okay? And since you want to just dump me back on my own family again, now that I've overstayed my welcome and you can't fix me… I just had a little meltdown."

Stella was completely taken aback by Helga's interpretation of events. She crouched down next to the distraught girl and placed both hands on her shoulders, to which Helga shuddered slightly but didn't throw her off.

"Helga…" Stella said gently, "That's not how it is at all. I'm not trying to get rid of you, or fix you!"

Helga looked none too convinced, and Miles and Arnold both wanted to say something, but knew better than to come between two fireballs like Stella and Helga. Stella's expression softened, as she thought about what Helga said, however.

"Helga…" Stella sighed, "Our whole family will always be here for you whenever you need us, not because we're pitying you or trying to fix you or anything, but just because we care about you. We want you to be happy and healthy, because you deserve that."

Helga glanced over at Miles and Arnold, who were nodding in agreement with Stella. Her eyes then drifted over to her mother and sister who were also looking at her lovingly, though a little more cautiously. Helga sighed as she reluctantly spoke with them.

"And I guess you two were there for me too… when the chips were down." Helga said begrudgingly, "Like, way way down. Down a gorilla pen down…"

Miriam at last stepped closer to Helga and smiled more warmly at her young daughter than she had in a long time. After so much confusion and mistrust between them brought on by their own inability to get past their own insecurities, their death-defying misadventure today had snapped things into clear focus for them.

"Yes… but we shouldn't just be there when things are _that_ bad…" Miriam said. "You deserve better than just that."

"But what you did today, that was incredible, mom!" Helga spouted, unable to hide how impressed she felt, "And you did all that just for me…"

"Well of course" Miriam said in bewilderment, "You were in trouble. I had to do something."

Helga smiled genuinely at her mother, and Miriam returned her smile, but then Helga's face slowly started to sink again into a saddened frown.

"After all that's happened this year, I just… thought you didn't care." Helga said softly, "You know, about me…"

"Of course I care about you, Helga…" Miriam said firmly, "Why do you think I let you go to stay with Arnold's family? Things at home aren't great and I wanted you to be somewhere that you felt safe."

Helga looked at her mother with hopelessly sad eyes and got the same look back in response. She then nodded, reluctantly accepting Miriam's answer as she mulled it over. Still, she couldn't completely shake the feelings of abandonment she had been feeling all month.

"Then…" Helga started to say, "Then why didn't you even check in after all this time?"

Miriam looked at Helga searchingly, as if trying to decide if her daughter was able to handle the truth, or if she felt like just sweeping the issues between them under the rug as they had for years. No, not this time. The gorillas had taught them a valuable lesson about family, and ignoring life lessons from gorillas felt more impossible for Miriam than staying off her smoothies.

"Well, Helga…" Miriam sighed, as she tried to say something painful to her, "Honestly? I thought you would be happier without… me, and everything that comes with me for a while. I thought you needed that."

Helga's lip wobbled as tears started to well up in her eyes. Miriam's brave rescue of both her and Olga, combined with her attack of consciousness for how she treated her mother deservedly or not reduced her to a sniveling mess of tears.

"Mom… you shouldn't be… I'm the one who…" Helga sniffled, "Mommy, I'm sorry… I'm so sorry…."

Miriam wrapped her arms around her girl and pulled her close in a warm embrace. For the first time in a long time Helga felt almost safe in her own mother's arms again.

"I-I'm sorry I walked out on you guys… I should have stayed, I should have been there for you. You've been so miserable and I've been so mean to you-"

"Helga?" Miriam cut in.

"I'm the worst, I only ever think about myself. I should have done more for-"

Helga's words became trapped in her mouth as her mother gently placed her fingers on her lips.

"Helga." Miriam said, in an unusually firm tone, "You're a child. I'm your mother. It's not your job to-"

"No, mom…" Helga said earnestly as she struggled free, and wiped away her tears, "I really mean it. I know how hard it's been for you and I just… I've just made everything worse… just by being me."

Miriam released Helga from her hug and then looked her in the eyes; the two of them were at last laying everything out and being completely real with one another.

"I understand now…" Helga sighed, "Why you love Olga so much more… she makes you happy and I just… I…"

Pools of tears gathered in Miriam's eyes as Helga's heartfelt but painful words stabbed at her. Olga too looked deeply guilty and wiped a tear from her eyes, once again dripping with dark mascara. Arnold and his family just huddled together and looked on in silence.

"I'm not like you or Olga." Helga sighed, "I'm like… like him. Just a loud, overbearing mini… Bob… I'm just like him."

Arnold winced. A day earlier he had tried to admonish Helga for behaving just a little too much like her father, but he didn't realize just how sensitive and deeply that effected her. Miriam meanwhile closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes again she saw Helga looking at her vulnerably.

"You know Helga… you are." Miriam said, "You're a lot like your dad, it's true."

This at first just made Helga's eyes go wider and more defenseless as Miriam seemed to confirm her worst fears. Miriam however continued.

"You're strong, you don't let anyone push you around, you do things your way… maybe you're not always so sensitive, but there's much more to you than that. You're also warm, emotional, passionate, and even if you don't want anyone to know it, you do care about your family… just like your dad."

Helga wiped away her tears and a small smile came across her face.

"And besides, you're not just your dad, you've got the best of both your dad and me." Miriam said.

Helga laughed through her sobs and said, "Right, so I got Dad's looks and your self esteem… great combination." she shook her head, admonishing herself, "Sorry. It's a reflex of mine, you know, to just poke fun. I know I should try to be a little less-"

"Helga, you're just a kid, and we're not done raising you yet." Miriam said, and then she smiled, "In fact we've barely just started."

Helga and Miriam just looked at one another, and then threw their arms around each other lovingly without another word. Arnold looked on with enormous satisfaction and relief, and couldn't stop himself from interrupting their moment.

"I'm glad you're okay, Helga." he said wholeheartedly, "I'm sorry I couldn't do more to help- ah!"

Arnold suddenly felt a pair of warms constricting around him tightly, and hoisting him up into the air. Arnold gasped for breath as Olga pulled him into a warm but crushing hug.

"Oh, Arnold you were just wonderful." she fawned, "Helga, don't ever let him go… this is a real man."

Arnold turned pinkish at Olga's words, but Helga surprisingly didn't even seem to notice.

"So, what does this mean now?" Helga asked, glancing back and forth between Miriam and Stella, "Where do I…"

"It's up to you." Stella said encouragingly.

"I mean, we've done this before…" Helga said forebodingly, "Promised we'd all do better, and then things just fall apart again…"

"You're right Helga," Miriam said, "Which is why I'm not making any more promises to do better."

Everyone looked at her in slight concern; it sounded as if Miriam was just proudly giving up, but that couldn't be what she meant.

"I'm not going to promise things will just be better from now on, because I can't. So I'll just have to prove it." Miriam clarified, "I'll work every day to do better, but it won't be perfect… I'll make an effort, but I'm going to stumble, if I'm honest…"

Olga nodded in understanding. She dropped Arnold to the ground to his relief and took her mother's hand.

"And we'll be there to pick you up when you fall, mommy." Olga said.

Stella too nodded and smiled at Miriam, "If you ever need to talk about anything… I won't try anything too wild again."

Miriam looked at Stella, at first not quite sure of what to say. Helga too, unaware of what Stella had done earlier reacted in confusion.

"What's she talking about?" she asked.

Miriam laughed, "Oh that was uh, just a sort of… well, uh, it doesn't really matter. Stella? I wouldn't mind getting coffee again… just one request."

"Anything." Stella said.

"Don't ever take us to the zoo again…" Miriam said.

Stella smiled awkwardly and shrugged, "I think we might have gotten ourselves banned after today, anyway. Just add that to the list of places we're not allowed back. I guess we'll all just go home and…"

Stella trailed off, unsure of where Helga now thought of as home. Arnold and Helga meanwhile fixed their eyes on one another. Without a single word, Helga knew what he would say, and she knew in her heart it was time to do what she had to.

"We're not forcing you to do anything, Helga." Olga said, "If you need to stay with them longer you can, but…"

Helga raised her eyebrow at her sister, and then with a somewhat smug smile she raised a hand to her ear.

"But what, now?" she asked.

"We need you, Helga." Olga said, as her lip quivered and her eyes watered, "We're lost without you. We need your tenaciousness, your blunt honesty… your good taste in men…"

Olga looked at Arnold weirdly as Arnold just turned pinkish again and took a step backwards. Helga pondered Olga's words. Even if she now felt a little closer to her mother and sister, that didn't solve the bigger problem still waiting for them at home.

"I dunno, I was gonna say we all go stay at the boarding house?" Helga said, "You sure you can handle dad-"

"Oh, honey… I just stood up to a silverback gorilla, your father is going to be a cakewalk from now on…" Miriam said drolly.

The door suddenly flew open, and the torso of the zookeeper appeared first before he dramatically swaggered in, and stood in a very bold stance before the group. Behind him walked in Chadwick, looking demoralized and embarrassed. When he saw Olga however his face lit up for a half second, only to sink again when he saw her expression. Chadwick now looked at Olga with an awkward and thoroughly embarrassed smile, unsure of what to say now that he had been exposed as a fraud and a coward.

"Um, well Ulla- Olga, I was just wondering if we-"

"I think we should just be friends!" Olga cut him off quickly as she pulled away from him.

"Oh…" he said, "Well, uh-"  
"No, you're right…" Olga said, "'Friends' is too much, let's just stay assistant zookeeper trainee and non zoo patron."

"Assistant zookeeper trainee is too lofty a title for him now, I fear." his father Zeus said.

"Dad?" Chadwick asked, "You mean…?"

"I brought you onto this noble position in the great spirit of nepotism, but you my son have dishonored the sacred brotherhood of the zookeepers…" Zeus sighed in disappointment, "Abusing your zoological gifts for the purposes of courting an… admittedly lovely human lady… you have also endangered both these pathetic human lives and the lives of the magnificent majestical apes that nature herself has charged us to care for! I'm sorry but you leave me no choice…"

Chadwick slumped downwards at his father's chastising.

"I have no choice but to start over…"

"But dad-"

"No buts!" Zeus silenced him, "You must return to stage one, and for that you must reacquaint yourself with mother nature herself before you are ready to call yourself assistant zookeeper trainee again… you must think, smell, eat and breathe as they do. You must truly empathize with the animal kingdom here in this establishment before you are ready, so for now, back to your kennel."

"Aw, come on!" Chadwick protested.

"No, no." Zeus said, "I will bring you food and water once I have finished dealing with these particular primates."

As Chadwick slunk away, Zeus turned to the Shortman and Pataki group with an anxiety inspiring look in his eyes. Everyone appeared too alarmed to say a word, but Helga, always unable to keep her mouth shut was the first to speak up.

"Okay, when you said kennel I assume you meant something other than a real-"

"Good news, I've run the tests and not one of you has contracted monkeynucleosis!" he declared, "Nor the even deadlier strain of gorillanucleosis."

Chadwick was his father's son, of that there could be no doubt; from the hair, to the tan, to the utterly preposterous manner of overdramatic speech he exuded the same malevolent air, but at least he seemed to be semi professional despite his eccentricity.

"What happened to Momo- I mean uh… the uh one gorilla, is she okay?" Helga asked.

"Yes, hideous human child." Zeus affirmed, "She is awake and under medical supervision from a team of experts." Zeus said, "In fact… these animals have been off display to the public for their increased signs of anxiety and now that I have carefully observed the security footage…"

"Oh criminey…" Helga moaned in embarrassment, but then shouted, "Wait… you had security cameras on them the whole time and didn't bother to-"

"It appears you may have been therapeutic for her, somehow." he said, "If your parents are willing to sign off, I would like to keep you here for further observation-"

"No." Miriam said quickly.

Helga however stroked her chin and looked at least open to the idea.

"Hang on, how well does that pay?" she asked.

"You're not staying with the gorillas." Miriam reasserted.

"But this rather repellent human child has soothed the heart of the lady gorilla…" Zeus looked at Miriam and for the first time appeared to actually see her. His eyes went wide and he looked at her similar to how Chadwick had at Olga earlier, "But you on the other hand, my light under a bushel have captivated the heart and mind of the mighty silverback… truly you have the heart, soul, and powerful limbs of a true blooded zookeeper, my mauve Amazonian goddess…"

Miriam turned slightly pink and giggled sheepishly, unable to completely resist this man's consummate eccentric charm. Both of her daughters however retched in their disgust.

"Oh no…" Olga shook her head, "Mommy, just back away now…"

"Oh, well… of course I… uh, I am a married woman, you know…" Miriam said abashedly.

"A human institution!" Zeus declared, "You… the kind of power I feel in you is a gift; gift wrapped by the hands of mother nature herself. I feel as though in another lifetime, you once braved the deep dark jungles in search of adventure, where other lesser humans fear to tread, while city slickers like these just hid in their coffee shops, 'day jobs' and internets…" He looked at Miles and Stella with mild disdain. Stella clenched up her fist in preparation to show him just how wrong he was, but Miles gently held her back and smiled awkwardly.

"Let it go… not worth it, honey…" he urged.

"Together, we can usher this zoological institution into a golden age!" Zeus took Miriam's hand gently in his and held it up, "You must share with these creatures your maternal powers!"

"I'm sorry, is this zoo run by a cult or something?" Stella whispered in her husband's ear.

"I don't remember…" Miles said thoughtfully, clearly not ruling it out.

"Well… I never really considered that path in life but…" Miriam turned to look at her girls and then shook her head, "Right now I think my 'maternal powers' are needed at home. I've got my own crazy zoo to keep, so to speak."

"Your answer is… tragically acceptable…" Zeus sighed heavily and nodded his head, "I understand. Though as a result of your actions, in gorilla culture you and the mighty silverback are now legally married, but alas you must abide by human law for now… go now, before my mighty lion heart mews its last. Go. Return to your own zoo, clearly they need you."

And with a gesture of his hand, Zeus gave the two families leave to go, which they promptly accepted and bid a hasty retreat before the man had a chance to change his mind or make more of his increasingly strange offers. As they rushed out of the building and towards the exit, none of them said a word, save for Helga.

"You know?" she said to Arnold, "Suddenly both of our families look like Norman Rockwell paintings compared to the poor man's Salvador Dali knockoff back there."

After departing the zoo, Miles drove everyone in the Packard back to Big Bob's Beeper Emporium. All of them had of course seen the place before, but every time they saw the deteriorating building it filled them with an entirely renewed sense of deep sadness.

"Here we are." Helga sighed, "Home of the king. Not exactly a castle, but it's home for now. And a step up from monkey house..,"

As everyone got out of their seats and left the car Helga just looked at the store and sighed. Stella and Arnold looked at one another in concern as Miriam and Olga stood on either side of Helga. One by one, the Patakis all turned their heads back in the direction of the Shortman family. Stella smiled awkwardly at the Patakis, not knowing what to say for fear that she had done more harm than help. As her eyes met with Helga's she felt a mix of emotions come over her. Helga wasn't her daughter, but she cared about her like one, and despite her misgivings she knew she had to let her go. She had grown close with her in the time they had spent together, and she just hoped that what happened today wouldn't ruin things between them.

"Well, Helga… it was nice having you stay with us for a while." Stella said, "I hope you're…"

Helga abruptly ran towards Stella and threw her arms around the woman. Stella at first felt taken aback, but smiled and hugged the girl back.

"Thank you…" Helga said, "For everything."

"You…" Arnold said in concern, "You're sure about this, Helga?"

Helga looked back at Arnold, and as he looked at her he didn't see the sad scared Helga he had come to see behind her blustery exterior, nor did he see her returning to that false persona she wore as a guise; Helga had grown somehow, and her face suddenly exuded a strange wisdom beyond her years.

"When the people you love are in trouble, you have to do something about it." Helga said, paraphrasing the advice Arnold himself had once given her.

"Yeah," Arnold agreed, "But… well, we'll always be there for you too."

Miriam walked up to Stella and the two women reluctantly shared in a hug together, slightly awkwardly but in a genuine show of friendship at least.

"Thanks, Stella." Miriam said.

"Coffee this week?" Stella asked.

"Oh yeah, for sure." Miriam affirmed.

Helga looked back and forth between the two of them and smiled, glad to see she didn't have to choose one of them over the other.

"I'm pretty lucky, you know?" Helga remarked, "I've got Miriam, Stella, and Momo. I think I'll be just fine, Arnoldo."

"We'll always have a place for you." Arnold reminded her, "You're like… family to us."

"Do. Not. Start. With that…" Helga said coldly, but gave him a reassuring smile despite her discomfort.

Stella laughed and placed a hand on Helga's shoulder.

"You're only_ like_ family." Stella said to Helga, but then whispered in her ear, "At least… right now. Some day…"

Helga didn't recoil or give her a dirty look and just cocked her eyebrow as only she could and gave her a half smile; one with the warmth of a full smile had it come from anyone but Helga.

"Yeah, yeah just don't expect Big Bob to pay for the whole thing." Helga huffed.

"Pay for what?" Arnold asked in confusion.

"Your dentist bill!" Helga barked in his face with a sudden raised fist. Arnold jumped back and Stella's eyes went wide with shock, but Helga just lowered her fist and laughed.

"Kidding, kidding, sheesh… for all the hundreds of times I've threatened when have I actually even hit you, Football Head?"

Arnold laughed, and threw his arms around Helga, and she just let him without a trace of embarrassment. She kissed him on the cheek and smiled.

"See you tomorrow." she said.

And with one last little group hug complete, Helga followed her mother and sister into the beeper store as the Shortman family waved to them. When they entered they saw Big Bob, decked out in all his regal glory standing at the cash register, eagerly awaiting any business. When he saw them he automatically went into sales mode as if he didn't even recognize them.

"Welcome to Big Bob's Beepers! Congratulations! As our first customers of the day you get your first beeper at a… ninety nine percent… reduced…" Bob trailed off as he looked at his family.

"Hey, B." Miriam said nonchalantly, "How was the big sale today?"

"Where the heck have you been all day?" Bob asked, but then reacted with even more shock when he saw his youngest daughter, "Helga?"

"Miss me?" Helga asked.

"Miss you?" Bob scratched his head, "Oh. Yeah, yeah sure. Hey, while you're here why don't you-"

Before Bob could say much more, Helga wrapped her arms around him and smiled.

"Hey! What's with you?" Bob snapped, but then Olga and Miriam too surrounded him in a hug, just happy to have the whole family together again even if life with each other was exceedingly far from perfect. Bob on the other hand just reacted in total confusion with his family's unexpected little display of affection.

"I don't know how or why…" Helga sighed, "But I missed you."

"Now wait just a stinking minute," Bob still refused to return any of their compassion, "What's going on with you three? Why all the-"

Bob looked at his wife, whose eyes rarely met his own. Something was different in her face since the last time he'd seen her. Gone was her usual vacant and hopeless expression, and he saw instead a fire burning in her eyes, and not one of rage but of determination and passion for life, and it somehow tamed his normally uncontrollable temper.

"B, mix me a smoothie." Miriam said authoritatively, which earned her a skeptical look from both of her daughters. Miriam cringed just a little and said, "And make it a virgin one… we've got a lot of work to do…"

The End

* * *

_**Continued in "The Beeper Princess…" a story I now feel the need to rewrite because it wraps up the whole Big Bob's Beepers dilemma just a little too easily after all this… or maybe I just need to continue the story after that one. I think next in this Pataki saga I'm gonna write 'The Big Pataki' which will be about Bob's relationship with his own father, and Helga growing to sympathize with him a little more as we learn about Bob's older brother Oliver (Olly, Olaf, something starting with Ol… has to be…) who continues to overshadow him to this day. Dunno if I should set that one before or just after 'Beeper Princess,' but I'm leaning towards after.**_

_**Judging by Zeus and Chadwick the Hillwood Zoo appears to be run by some kind of cult… wasn't even what I had in mind with Chadwick at first, but after his counterproductive pickup artist strategy with Olga just got weirder and weirder it did start to feel like Olga was being inducted into some kinda cult… and I currently have zero plans for Chadwick and Zeus following this story, so I'm putting them up for adoption if any other HA! writers want to use them…**_

_**Thank you all for reading!**_


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